My wife said "I might go back to college to get a maths GCSE, what do you reckon?"
I said "Don't count on it".

Ever since I took this job as a human statue my career has come to a standstill.

It really hurts being labelled "Paedo" by my neighbours.
They put it on with a staple gun.

John Deere's manure spreader is the only equipment the company won't stand behind.

I asked this Jamaican guy if he'd like to tell me what his favourite country in the Middle East is.
"Yemen," he replied.

More and more people are breaking agreements each day.
That's not promising.

I wish I could see chameleons in their true colours.

There's been an aggressive dog running loose in our street and cops are looking for it's owner.
Hopefully they'll find a lead.

As the head ranger on the game farm, I had to tell the boss that the wildebeest were causing havoc.
"What's the matter?" he asked.
"Bad gnus" I replied.

Oh my God I can't believe it.....
Tottenham are playing the Kaiser Chiefs.

I'm so glad I finally went to see a therapist for my paranoia three years ago.
I haven't looked back since.

When my laptop starts playing up and is running slow, I know it's because its been running for hours and is over heated..
So being a loving and caring owner of my laptop, I open another Window.

I saw a horrific car crash this morning. A skoda

I went to the doctors, because I think I something called 'Nigerian-itis'. So he asked,
"Do you like to wear flowery shirts in the winter? Are you better at football than others might suspect and often answer a question, with a question?"
"What do you mean?" I replied.
The doctor says I have a mild case of Ghanarrhea.

My journalist friend got arrested for putting random dots throughout his articles.
We have to go to court again tomorrow because today the judge couldn't decide how long his sentence was.

I've just sold my soul to the devil............ He particularly wanted the Stevie Wonder LP's that i put on ebay.

"I've just invented a communication laser", my mate beamed.

"I've just invented a communication laser", my mate beamed.

I'm a delivery man at B&Q, and this woman wanted me to sketch a plan of her new kitchen furniture.
So I drew a table.

I got arrested at B&Q earlier they accused me of stealing bricks,
I was furious, I really took offence.

I thought about investing some cash in a burlesque group but my mate told me not to because it's a risque business

When I was 14 I strolled into a pub, put on my deepest voice and asked, "What alcoholic drink can I get for a fiver?"
It was worth a shot.

A mate of mine sells vomit decoration kits. That's pretty sick.

I've just written a joke about a broken window.
I've saved it in drafts.

My old rescue cat was spotted as it crossed the road.
I screamed a loud warning but my lasting memories were a car speeding off to loud rock music and a large paw print left on the road.
I'm pretty certain now it was a deaf leopard track.