I regret joining a local singles club.
It was the worst collection of records I've ever seen.

My dodgy mate is charging people to see his trench, sand bags and gun turrets.
I think its a front.

I'm paranoid about people looking at me, so I always use the lift.
I can't handle the stairs.

What do you get when you mix acid and alcohol?
A mol ester

BBC SPORT: Real trio ruled out of Spurs game
So they're going to field a fake trio instead?

Someone gave me a 24 hour clock once...
It made my day.

I think I might've gone a bit overboard with the vinegar on my chips last night.
The casino owner didn't seem too happy.

I just got a job promotion to restaurant manager.
I've been waiting for ages to get that job.

There's been talk at the circus of making our extreme knife throwing act redundant.
I'm currently facing the axe.

As a paedophile and a trainspotter, imagine my disappointment last night when I finally got the chance to watch Babestation.

If your cow is better than everyone else's
Don't milk it.

I had to cancel a wheelchair race today.
There weren't enough non-runners.

I wonder what the definition of "curiosity" is...

I've just spent two hours watching a D.V.D.
I really need to get a D.V.D player.

I've been meaning to pay my Gas and Electricity bill.
But I just don't have the energy.

Sweet and sour pork
It's just another name for good cop bad cop.

When push comes to push, I will buy a thesaurus

I got arrested in Palestine yesterday after walking into a Muslim woman's house and asking her to give me a great handjob like it said on the sign outside.
On reflection, I may have misread the words "West Bank"

I've just got back from Australia... whilst I was there I learned some Aborigine words like 'Boo' - which means to return.....because when you throw an ordinary meringue......

My son drew a 'D' around his mouth with a marker.
I said to him, "You'd better wipe that smile off your face!"

I now have a four poster bed to myself.
Well, to be honest, my wife's kicked me out and I'm sleeping on the local football pitch.

Consent
Rated
Proof, if ever it were needed, that consent is overrated.

Bomb VS. Bomb Technician;
One is always disarmed.

I refuse to work in a coal mine...
It's beneath me.

Comic Sans walks into a bar.
Bartender says: "We don't serve your type."