I got into an argument with a mathematician today.
I told him to shut his Pi hole.

So Katie Price is selling her old furniture on eBay to raise funds for a charity that helps Harvey.
I'm sure he won't be seeing any of that money.

My girlfriend left me because I decided to become a Taxidermist.
Stuff her.

How do you turn a bar into a club?
One whack to the wife's head.

BEWARE....
Clothing for bee's

I've just been to a parisian cinema and watched "ET".
I think in English it's called "AND".

I'm a little worried about how people will judge me now I have an artificial leg.
I reckon I could pull it off though.

I tried to invent an alternative to Velcro.
It never really caught on.

Some bloke just hit me with a torch.
So I lamped him.

How do you enter an egyptian pyramid?
You toot and come in!

Have you hear the one about the broken parachute?
It never goes down to well

What have my Grandad and the England players got in common?
They were both bombed out badly by the Germans in the black country..

I absolutely love my job as a cradle tester...
It rocks!

What do you call a confused tree?
Stumped.

I tend to avoid the shallow end of the swimming pool now.
I disapprove of the people there because they do not show or involve any serious or careful thought.

I tried to offer some comfort to the parents off the boy found in a tumble dryer. But they said he was soft enough.

What's cancer and chavs got in common?
They both belong in the cells.

I think that I've got athletes foot.
My feet don't smell bad, they've gone black.

BBC NEWS: "Disfigured baby with an arm for a head born in India." The parents are said to be very proud of little Ahmed.

My daughter's such a little angel. I told her she's got a halo.
It went over her head!

Why do black men always finish sentences with `innit' ?
Surely they should finish their sentences with deportation.

I have been dating a beautiful young Chinese girl for 8 years now,
her name is Wan, we would have got married ages ago but my surname's King.

An apple and a duplicate both fall from a tree. Which one hits the ground first?
The apple, because the duplicate keeps inexplicably being voted up.

What did the electron say to the proton?
You've pulled...

I thought I had all the angles covered but I still failed my Geometry exam.