I saw on tv last night an advert for a special kind of tea, specificaly designed for women at that time of the month when the demons come to visit
Tetley Red Bush

I've just started my new shift pattern at work but I'm not sure what to make of it.
It's early days.

My little sister asked me what she should get for unzipping.
I told her a fiver was pretty reasonable.
In the end though, she just used WinZip. And stopped talking to me.

When it comes to relationships I always envied Pierre and Marie Curie,
I don't know what it was, they just seemed to have this special chemistry going.

Reports are coming in of a pair of kids who seem to be setting up some kind of criminal network based on a code of honour, where punishments are harsh but there is always respect.
Local police suggest that, while these are heartening signs, it's probably just symptomatic of a short-lived fad.
"We've seen this sort of Krays before," said one official.

Mardy Fish has had to drop out of Wimbledon.
He was arrested for battering his wife.

The one armed women who is suing Abercrombie & Fitch for discrimnation has dropped all charges!..Reports suggest she changed her mind after being inundated with jobs offers from second hand shops.

What's the difference between a virgin and a Virgin train?
A Virgin train is not gonna come early.

I bought a new coffee table yesterday. I spilt some boiling water on it this morning and it dissolved.

Has anyone cooked up a good joke about Keith Floyd yet?

In the news today Gordon Brown has announced "free child care for the poor".
Being employed I suppose I will still have to pay a child to take care of my needs.

My wife wants us to try for a baby.
I told her it just wasn't conceivable.

According to a recent poll, more people are putting off building work or doing DIY than using builders,
He should know, he was fitting my kitchen.

Me and a mate have been smoking herbs all night.
We're having a great thyme.

30 million letters delayed due to the postal strike...
Countdown's going to be interesting

I keep getting attacked by the bouncer at my local nightclub.
He waits until I've paid to get in then stamps on my hand.

Gordon Brown has reshuffled his cabinet
He moved the vodka to the front

I think I'm allergic to nuts - I swell up and get short of breath.
Actually, come to think of it - that happens when I read Zoo as well.

I tried to strangle a vegetable farmer the other day,
but he was too artichoke

Q: How do you know if a film was made by a Jewish director?
A: The end is cut off.

Got sent to hospital for treatment for my Narcissism. I checked myself out.

Last night I got absolutely trollied....
By this I mean, some stranger inserted a pound into my mouth and loaded his goods inside me.

I was working on reception at a large hotel when this guy walks in dressed In a full suit of armour,
"can I help" I asked,
He said " yes have you got a room, just for one knight".

I met my wife on holiday in Egypt and for our fifth anniversary I'm taking her back.
Hopefully I can get a refund for her off that beardy bloke.

An Englishman, an Irishman, and a Scotsman walk into a bar.
The American wins the High Jump gold medal.