My battery-powered horses were never going to be successful as a tool of the modern cavalry.
They took too long to charge.

If you get a bullseye with your first dart and a bullseye with your second dart, what do you get?
Gored by a blind bull.

Rowan Atkinson: "I'm too old to play Mr. Bean again."
Does this mean he's now a Has Bean?

So there i was on the pavement on my knees,begging the wife for forgiveness... Which was ironic,because it was curb crawling that had got me into trouble in the first place.

I can't stand kids.
I have to stack them in my shed side-ways.

Maybe the man was swinging the cat around,
To check if there was enough room.

What do you call a male virgin?
Humphrey.

I've set up a political party called the Scaffolders.
We provide great support and will put the Poles back when they are no longer needed.

I'm a cold, calculating sort of person.
I do my accounting in a fridge.

Apparently it's possible to control people's fantasies. Imagine that.

I tore my mates origami bird into two today.
RIP.

I just went to the local Dog Pound.
It's like Poundland, except everything costs 7.

O' Christmas Tree, O' Christmas Tree, why are you Irish?

I'm not bothering with any of the soaps in the new year.
I know I'll smell, but I just cant afford them.

I made a killing at the stock exchange today.
Going to attempt to kill someone at the post office tomorrow.

Our book keeper got spit roasted at the office party.
That's one double-entry she won't be forgetting for a while.

I'm worried that my wife is smoking too much.
Maybe I should have dried her out a bit before I threw her on the bonfire.

I witnessed a bank robbery that took less than a minute today.
Unbelievable Tekkers.

I've got a double-barreled surname.
I'm called Dave Shotgun.

If that emo kid next door doesn't stop playing the drums, there'll be serious repercussions.

I'm going to Hooters for lunch today..They do great baps in there.

I'm a bit worried I might have left the gas on when I left home.
But that was fifteen years ago and my parents haven't mentioned anything so it's probably OK.

Sky News: Tarantula smuggling suspect arrested in US.
"So what exactly, was this Spider smuggling?"

Went to a seminar about getting rid of doubt last night.
I don't think it worked.

Alcohol kills brian cells.