I think the word 'cliche' is being used too often and has become meaningless.

I looked out my window this morning and saw a few flakes falling.
I thought, "That guy in the flat above me is throwing away good chocolate."

I got the sack today after dropping a clanger.
I'm going to miss my job in the BBC props department.

I was really disappointed after my wife gave me head on my birthday.
I actually wanted a Slazenger tennis racket.

BBC News: Man and boy die in chip pan fire.
Must have been a very big chip pan?

I've just seen Super Chicken.
I knew he was Super Chicken because he had a Capon

My dad took me to a museum for vintage mechanical toys.
It was such a wind up.

My girlfriend asked if I wanted to hear her ring-tone.
Before I could answer she bent over and queefed in my face

Yesterday, in a bush next to a park, I was waiting for my chance to strike.
What a strange place to hold a bowling tournament.

The judge said to me, "I am going to add two years onto your sentence"
I replied "I have not been able to get an erection for"

My wife found a sick bird today, then she started screaming at me telling me she wants to take it home.
I said, "Alright love, keep your heron."

My mate said to me yesterday, "I bet you cant drink this yard of scotch."
I said, "Well it's a long shot, but I'll give it a go."

My kids were so excited when I told them I was taking them to Lapland.
Little do they know it's the name of our local athletics track.

I keep my wife's skeleton in the kitchen.
I pray every night to the skeleton, hoping some food will appear.
However, nothing changes, still bone idol.

I wrote the book on procrastination.
Well I've done two chapters.

My Dyslexic mate just forwarded me a video of somebody taking a microchip out of a George Foreman Lean & Mean and putting it into a Breville Sandwich Toaster.
2 Grills 1 CPU

The founder of Ikea, Ingvar Kamprad is a multi-billionaire.
Ironically, self-made.

I was having this fantastic dream last night. There was a beautiful, naked lady inside a car and I was trying desperately to get at her by ripping the car apart. Unfortunately when I woke up all I had was the horn.

Whenever you find a new dealer who has particularly strong pills or MDMA, do make sure to phone Kate and Gerry at any time of day or night so that they can share in the joy that you've found mad E.
I'm sure they'll appreciate it.

I was in the offices of the inland revenue the other day and the bird behind the counter was in a wheelchair. I could see everyone else in the Q carefully avoiding the issue and being polite.
here are my returns you legless spastic said I
Then security came out and did me for tact evasion.

You can say what you like about the Chinese government, but they know how to make an executive decision.

The government have apologised for taking over fifty years to pay compensation to Thalidomide victims.
Apparently they've been a bit short-handed.

My mate hasn't got a job - he spends all his time on his hobby deep sea diving for coral.
What a sponger.

People who don't smile into mirrors are generally frowned upon.

Since joining my local gym, the pounds have been piling off.
I'm skint now.