My mate hasn't got a job - he spends all his time on his hobby deep sea diving for coral.
What a sponger.

People who don't smile into mirrors are generally frowned upon.

Since joining my local gym, the pounds have been piling off.
I'm skint now.

Gary Liniker said on Match of the Day - "Well, clean sheets help you score."
Very true, I often find when the woman gets back and sees the big yellow stain she is a bit put off.

I don't know if I should put lipstick or mascara on my forehead.
I just can't make-up my mind.

I decided to organise a gang bang for some men with erectile dysfunction.
Only two came.

Round our way, thugs have started kneecapping people just for fun.
It's the Kray's.

There are gypsies camped on the island near my house
It's amusing, in a round-about kind of way.

I only ever watch movies made by a certain production company...it's so important to me - in fact it's paramount.

For my maths GCSE we were allowed calculators, so I asked my Mum for a brand new Casio.
Not only did I fail, I was escorted from the exam hall for my rendition of Beethovens Moonlight Sonata.

The only soup John Lennon would eat was Ham.
Eventually he decided to give pea's a chance.

I cheated on my wife with a gorgeous young weather-girl.
My judgement was clouded.

My dad was a marathon runner when he met my mother, who was a 100m hurdler.
They've been together for 33 years now - who says that mixed race marriages don't work...?

I know my father will always be looking down on me.
He's seven foot four.

I just dropped my packet of biscuits from the top of a 50 ft building.
Crumbs.

I love living in Epsom, it stops people giving me those disapproving looks when I tell them I spend most of my time riding on the downs.

Mixing valium with vodka is not the answer, but it is definitely a solution.

I'm thinking about opening a shop called "Pi".
Don't know what it would sell, but it would be open 22/7.

I'm sick of my wife, all she ever does is cheat
death.

When muslim extremists discuss a former suicide bomber. Do they refer to him as a "blast from the past"

I have a mate who is convinced that he's actually a mechanical wave that is an oscillation of pressure with frequencies within the auditory range.
I think he's sound.

The Telegraph: "Cow leaps three foot fence and squashes car"
That's the last time I let my wife use the Land Rover.

Sky news;Esther Rantzen;"I was abused by a relative",
"He'd put a saddle on me,then whip me till i won a race"

I shouldn`t have gone to a cheap eye surgeon.
There always cutting corneas.

My wife told me I was milking it when I brought a cow home from the factory.