The one good thing about internet dating.
You're guaranteed to click with whoever you meet.

My boss came up to me today and said, "We've got a problem with this customer's order".
I said, "Ok, what should I do?"
My boss said, "You need to send him a message".
So I found the guy and put a horse's head in his bed.

My failed attempts at trying to cross breed fruit and vegetables has only made me melancholy

"I've got something I need to get off my chest, it's been bugging me all day" I said to the wife.
"What"? she said with a concerned look on her face.
"Your bra, the wires have been digging in me all day".

The other day I farted in the face of a girl I met at bar. She looked at me and told me I was gross and did not find it funny. It will never work between us. She just doesn't appreciate my scents of humor.

Ernest Hemingway is where serious tailors live.

I ran the wife over to see her sister this evening.
She was beginning to suspect something anyway.

Baseball.
It's just not cricket.

Me and my wife were waiting for a bit of alone time.
"Finally the kids have gone to bed, you can stick it in now." she said
"I'm trying too but it doesn't want to work."
"It's filthy," she moaned "give it a wipe before you do anything with it!"
"Okay, that should do the trick, shall i shove it back in?"
"Yeah and if it doesn't have It, try a different DVD."

I was going to donate all my savings to the Homeless,
But i didn't have an address to send the cheque to.

Two cannibals are talking over a stewing broth, one says, "Do you recognise him, he looks familiar?"
Other cannibal says, "Not sure mate, I think you may have him mixed up with someone else."

I tried to apologize to each woman I ever sodomized.
I did my best, but I think I left a couple of loose ends.

My wife suggested we get a new door knocker.
So I came back with a Jehovah's Witness.

If someone says 'I love you' and you don't feel the same way, say 'I love YouTube' really fast!

I'm in the process of making a drink that acts as an abortion.
Hopefully I'll make a killing.

I've fallen in love with my tailor.
What can I say, he suits me.

I got really angry trying to carry my memory foam mattress up the stairs, but in the end I learned to control my Tempur.

I ran over a dog yesterday and to make matters worse it got stuck under my grill.
'Did it die?'
'Die? It almost set my kitchen on fire!'

Apparently frowns have been making headlines.

I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that a lot of people die of natural causes.

I read this morning about how police were insulted in 'a four letter rant'.
Must have cost them a fortune in stamps.

Autumn is very much like a dirty university lecturer.
Feeling a little Fresher!

I went to the local pub for a drink the other night, but couldn't help being distracted by a well dressed man moping in the corner.
After a while I went over and asked him his story.
He told me he was a Lord of a nearby county, but the credit crunch had hit too hard and he was having to sell off parts of his magnificent castles for next to nothing just to raise cash.
I gave him a penny for his forts, least I could do...

This man came up to me and said 'Good sir, why are you not stalking me?'
I said 'I'm sorry, I don't follow you.'

For Sale:
1 x New Dining Room Table
Leg Missing
Selling Because I Can't Stand It