I've invented a dance where you just stand still on the spot.
But there's a twist.

"Do or do not, there is no try".
Yoda didn't last long as our rugby coach.

I can't believe My Luck
She's the Chinese girl in work and she's an awful liar.

I was on a forum earlier and it said 'Read 1024 times'...
I thought 'That's an odd request'

I walked downstairs this morning to find an obese monk meditating in the middle of my kitchen.
"What on Earth's this?!" I asked my wife, utterly perplexed.
"Well," she said.
"You did say we should get a deep, fat Friar."

I was playing chess against my mates daughter, when he left the room.
I made the first move...

I hit my mate in the knee with a hammer and his leg kicked out wildly. He got really angry about it and walked off.
I think I may have struck a nerve.

Our opening performance of The Wind in The Willows had to be cancelled.
The lead actor was caught illegally parked so he couldn't make it.
He was towed.

West Ham are like Lady Penelope.
No Parker, no drive.

I went online shopping for the wife today.
thaibrides.com has a brilliant variety.

I've been diagnosed as having an unusual condition of thinking I am better than inanimate objects. The floor is a prime example.
It's beneath me.

My wife puts out literally all the time.
It's only three points, I always win at Scabble.

I heard on the radio there's been extensive corruption in Syria.
Nothing new. I always suspected Italian football was a bit dodgy.

I wanted to go and visit Wolverhampton Wanderers' stadium so I asked my mate John and his wife Molly for directions.
John didn't know but fortunately, Molyneux.

I stand accused of unleashing a sleep-inducing gas in a courtroom.
The jury's still out.

I met this woman at an African Charity event last night.
She said 'Me and my husband are giving people."
I said "Try giving water instead, they seem to prefer that."

I was spoon-fed until I was old enough to say I hated eating cutlery.

I was stripping down some copper, when suddenly, she awoke.

I've got some designer turbans for sale at discount prices.
They fell off the back of a camel.

Man goes up to a woman in a bar
Man: "Hi, I'd like you to temporarily relax your standards in exchange for money"
Woman "What sort of woman do you think I am?"
Man: "Sorry...that came out wrong. I meant 'Can I buy you a drink?'"

What country does not yet have a flag (but will get around to designing one next week)?
The Procrasti Nation...

I find drag racing very straightforward.

I've got a great tip for a horse....
Try sleeping lying down, it's far more comfortable.

BigPond news: 'A man dressed in a Darth Vader costume has robbed a bank in New York at gunpoint.'
Star Wars: The Empire Strikes Bank.

I was listening to the radio earlier and a song by Pete Doherty really inspired me.
So I walked into my bedroom, picked up my guitar, and sold it so I could go out and buy some crack.