Im worried about my budgie at home, while I've been away he hasn't tweeted once.

I had fun at the big local boxing event.
Although my wife did say that out of respect I should refer to it as 'her mother's funeral'.

I quit my job as a primary school teacher because the kids were rubbing me up the wrong way. Couldn't get a decent handjob off any of them.

Tried deepthroating this dead guy earlier and I couldn't do it.
I found the whole thing just too hard to swallow.

At the Doctor's earlier, I explained that in every sentence I feel compelled to use the words 'because, then and so.'
I'm being treated for conjunctionitis.

I find that the fastest way to inform people of an upcoming funeral is by sending them a cryptogram.

I got myself doner card. Bet I will make a cracking kebab when i die.

Either my dad thinks he's Neil Buchanan or he's having a heart attack.

I was thinking of trying to get across a body of water in Louisiana on foot, but I knew I would have to move quickly to avoid sinking, so I thought I'd check with my friend if he thought it was possible.
I said- ''Right mate, so I'm going to run this bayou.....''

I just doggy-styled my wife. Now she has a poodle hairdo.

I have said it once, and i will say it again,
It.

I was meant to be opening my safari today, but I couldn't get Internet access.

My overweight girlfriend really wanted to go on the swing at the park today, I repeatedly told her not to.
She couldn't be swayed.

I knew love once, it was a drag.
Then again, it was dark and I couldn't tell.

I've been trying to get some sleep.
But most people have rubbed theirs away before I can ask for it.

After this fat bird added me as a friend on Facebook I thought, "How could a Robin use a computer?"

I recently went to a TV survivalist's barbeque.
Thinking i should help out a bit i approached the stove ready to do a bit of cooking when Ray Mears jumped out and said 'don't do that, Bear Grylls'

Being the Dare Devil that I am, I've decided to go to TGI Fridays, on a Monday.

I love it when kids take a phrase people were using 20 years ago, change a few letters and suddenly it's cool again.
...NAAT!

I'm good at playing on words, probably because I keep writing on the floor.

I'm quite a hit with the chicks.
I mostly get slaps but there's also the odd kick every once in a while.

I was drawing the curtains the other day when I thought to myself,
"Why can't I just hang some material up like everyone else?"

My dad has so many magazines in the bathroom
I wouldn't mind but he doesn't even have a gun to put them in.

I always thought it was a shame that Marks and Spencers didn't decide to call themselves Spencers and Marks
the adverts would have been a lot better

Seen a coat you like but can't afford it?
Just jacket.