I see that the catholic dwarves have made it to the X Factor final.
Little Micks.

What do you get if you rearrange the letters of Santa?
Someone else's presents.

Someone called me self-important the other day... but I don't think I am, and that's what really matters.

A girl came up to me at a nightclub and said that she wanted a good seeing to.
I think I won that staring contest.

I recently got set up on a blind date with a fat girl.
As we were eating our meal she said to me, "I bet you can't guess what my favourite kind of food is?"
"Of course I can," I replied. "It's a piece of cake."

I bought some Nivea for men today,
They all punched me.

The ugliest member of my family is my mute aunt.

If a mentally challenged midget is late to an appointment, can you justifiably call them "A little tardy"?

This morning I walked out into my back garden and witnessed my kids going down on their mother.
It think its about time I buy them a proper slide.

BBC News: 'Transgender hopeful enters Miss Universe'
But I thought the winner hadn't been decided yet?

My mate stole a cheap mattress last week.
I don't know how he sleeps at night.

"Hey Dad, what do spiders eat?"
"Not sure, go check the web"

When I arrived home today I saw a note on the table, so sitting down I started to read.
Dear Paul,
Ive finally decided that the time has come for me to leave you. You are cold, arrogant, condescending and uncaring. I know that im going to be happier without your constant put downs and Ill finally be able to start appreciating myself without you pointing out my mistakes and making me feel stupid. I hope you will someday understand my reasons. Yours,
Tina
I sat there for a few minutes, numb with shock with one question going around in my head. How was it that a grown woman could not properly use an apostrophe?

SALE: Curtains 25% off
They were too short.

That's the last time I stay up late to make a rotisserie chicken with salad.
I tossed and turned all night.

My mate said to me, "Whatever you do, don't mention deordorant."
I said, "Sure, won't let you down."

A hot wine waitress poured me a drink earlier,
She gave me a semillon.

I watched the 'Chubby Checker Story' last night. Cracking twist at the end.

I have come really close to dying three times now.
But in the end I always decide to keep my natural colour.

I was accused of pushing a man through a combine harvester.
Police didn't have a shred of evidence.

BBC News - "Snow closes Luton Airport runway".
A Colombian Airlines jet crash landed.

I saw a shark today at the beach, Basking

BBC NEWS: U.S. Rapper jailed for gun on bus.
Here in the U.K. we let anyone go on the bus.

I started a new job as a chef today, keen to impress. At the end of my shift, I asked my last customer how they liked their steak.
'Well done', they replied.
I think I did well.

I'm really into my Child Protection...
I buy the colourful flavoured ones.