I did some research the other day into whether private or public schools were better.
It wasn't comprehensive.

Garden sheds are for tools.

BBC News: "Scots 'drink a quarter more alcohol' than other Brits".
So?
Bernard Matthew's eat more chicken
Uncles named Ben eat more rice
and Victoria's eat more sponge cake

My wife is in a band called 'Golden Showers.'
She's had more number one hits than Madonna.

I'm not usually a sceptic, but little Raja walking 8 miles a day to the well for water?
Sounds a bit too far fetched to me.

A dyslexic chairman wanted an alphabetical football club, so he created one.
And that is how QPR were formed.

I threw out all my old calendars..
It`s taken years off me...

I reversed a Toyota yesterday.
Ended up where I started.

I'm the kinda guy that just bends over and takes it no matter whose it is.
I love finding money on the floor.

In my spare time, I poison cakes and leave them on the bird table. That way, I sometimes kill two birds with one scone.

My Girlfriend says I'm incapable of keeping good hygiene.
I'll show'er.

My wife made a cutting remark.
"You've stabbed me".

I like to call it sun stroke
The judge likes to call it molestation

Did you hear about the guy who got his whole left side cut off?
He's dead.

I was 3/4 of the way through reading the dictionary when I lost my page.
I've decided to start from scratch.

I accidentally mistook Clearasil for toothpaste; my teeth are spotless.

I call my wife "The Bottle".
She keeps wine in.

i live in a two story house. well three but thats another story

Someone smashed my mates face in last night with a boat paddle.
It must have been a terrible oar deal.

A distant relative of my mother's has had more than ten abortions, so I have at least ten cousins once removed.

Teenagers with acne are 60% more likely to suffer from depression,
This is important, its not easy to spot.

I just found out that my uncle who lives in Australia has died.
It's ok though, we weren't close.

I like to keep a sundial in my back garden.
Just for old times sake.

A man on the TV is complaining because he hasn't slept for 3 months.
Why would anyone want to sleep for 3 months?

Thank you Amy Winehouse for bringing a new word to my vocabulary.
'How was last night, mate?
'I got absolutely misadventured!'