So I bought this DVD and in the 'extras' it said 'deleted scenes', So I went to have a look and there was nothing there..

Sometimes you just have to take stock and admit you can't make your own gravy.

My son made it to the final of the model railway championships.
Unfortunately he lost it on points.

My wife said, "Let's celebrate New Year with a bang".
I said, "Yeah OK, as long as mine is with your sister"

Smoked some weed earlier.
Emptied a round from my Magnum into some skinny kid down the gym.

When my wife found out I'd cheated on her she hit the roof.
She's never been a good shot.

Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure is so unrealistic.
Everybody knows you need a flux capacitor to travel through time.

When I heard someone had found my headphones I was so happy, it was like music to my ears.

My mate works in a jam factory and recently fell into a vat of it.
He was berried up to his neck

I've just been to present my pitch to the Dragons' Den.
But apparently the tent has already been invented.

A friend of mine had a terrible accident at work today.
He fell into a huge Tank of Coagulated Milk.
He's in a really Bad Whey.

I woke up in the middle of the night and saw the spirit of my former girlfriend materialise at the foot of my bed.
I was utterly terrified, I just didn't ex spectre.

I thought I saw Bruce Willis yesterday - except he was twice as tall and wide...
must've been his body double

What do you get when you cross a Greek with an Indian?
Popadopadopadoms.

My wife said, "I'm sick of these strange looks you keep giving me"
Which shattered my confidence as her personal stylist.

The Police gave me a ticket today...
The concert wasn't the same without Sting.

I've just been caught out by my wife ,
She's getting good in the slips .

This nurse friend of mine had a fit when I told her that I popped a
boil that I had. She said, "you can die of complications."
Personally, I don't see what all the pus is all about.

Even though my boss told me "Don't lose heart", I realise that I have.
Which is bad, considering that I'm an organ donor courier.

My wife hates the fact that I'm a backseat driver.
I think she should be impressed that I can manage a full golf swing in the back of a Fiat Punto.

I went from acting to a job at Gregg's Bakery.
I've filled a variety of rolls

Off to a show next weekend.
Don't know whether to choose Hamlet or Cats.
To be or not tabby.

I was going to post a joke about U-boats but I just couldn't find a subcategory.

Noise, the silent killer.

I was showing my mate my painted living room then said, "What do you think of it?"
He said, "You'll need another coat."
So I went and grabbed a jacket and said, "What do you think of it?"