My wife's fed up.
Hanging from a tree, she has to eat somehow.

David James made a great save today.
There was a two for one offer on hair gel at Tesco's.

I smoke about 20 a day....Its brilliant being in the army,in Afghanistan.

Sky News: Major Blaze at block of flats in London
Others on the guest list include General Dwellings and Private Apartments

I put some out of date ketchup on my bratwurst and it tasted awful.
I think it was the sauce age.

My girlfriend is cross eyed and is trying to find a cure for it.
She doesn't know where to look.

My wife said, "While you were at work, I had a gang-bang with eleven footballers".
I said, "Come again"
She said, "Maybe later. I'm still a bit sore at the moment".

I have developed the ability to play board games, telepathically.
The mind Boggles.

I just bought stock in some company called Bose...
I think it's a sound investment.

What's the difference between James Milner and an Andy Parsons tour?
James Milner is a sell out.

I met with a Subliminal Advertising CEO today. The meeting only lasted a second though. I don't think it really works to be honest. Anyway, I am off to change my car insurance

What do you call a deer with sandpaper for eyes,
I dont know but i've got a rough eyed-deer

I got 12 straight A's in my GCSE's.
Which is why I'm not holding out much hope for my multiple-choice results tomorrow.

I built a wall earlier to stop water.
It worked pretty dam well.

To be honest I'm not very fit. So I bought a treadmill and now I run for an hour a day.
I'm not really getting anywhere though.

My wife said she's leaving me because I look like Carlos Tevez.
Fair enough.

Female lions have shorter hair than males.That's their mane problem.

Whoever invented the bulletproof vest wants shooting.

I firebombed a funeral procession today. I love the smell of napalm in the mourning.

Me and my friend just went to See Saw 3D. It was horrific...
130 minutes staring at a plank of wood balanced in the centre.

I bought a ticket to go see a rugby game yesterday. It said I was in the second row.
I must say - The view was simply suberb, I could see the action right up close.
Well, that was, until the referee kicked me out of the scrum.

Although I've got the stinking flu I started a new job today as Santa's little helper.
They sent me home after 10 minutes as they said I wasn't looking elfy enough

I was going to listen to Slipknot - Before I Forget...but I forgot.

My mate is a Liverpool fan and yesterday had a trial there. It didn't go too well though.
The judge sentenced him to 6 months.

I came home from work and my wife was waiting with my credit card bill.
She asked me, "Why is there a 600 charge to the strip club?"
I calmly replied, "I got jacked"
She got extremely concern then and asked me "Oh my god! Really?"
I said, "Yeah, they tend to charge extra for that"