I need to stop drink-driving.
I accidentally Smacked another golfer in the face with my club today.

Apparently it's less than a year until The Hobbit is released.
I didn't even know he was in jail.

As a Christmas treat, I'm going to make some Bucks fizz.
I've got some acid, now I'm off to the deer park...

Piglet was so constipated he couldn't even remember what pooh looked like.

I'm an incompetent engineer with no friends.
I just can't seem to build bridges.

What does Snoop Dog keep in his toolbox?
Four chisels.

Wonder if I'll get nailed for copyright infringement when I open up my new Korean fast food joint, "Unlucky Fried Kitten"?

Watermelon, 50% water.

I'm running a quiz tonight in the pub and every question will be about great military strategists.
It's General Knowledge.

My wife told me to "make her feel like a million dollars"
So I cut her up into small rectangles and neatly stacked her into a briefcase.

Sent a message in a bottle the other day.
The reception was terrible.

I'm just off for a kick about with the lads.
I'll be right-back.

Two ducks in a pond are thinking about elementary particle physics.
One turns to the other and says
'Quark Quark'

What do you say to a women with two black eyes?.
"I knew you'd fall for the Bootpolish on the binoculars trick".

I heard Queen Victoria only counted from two upwards.
One was not amused.

Better late than never. Period.

The missus said we should try Subway at lunch time.
It makes sense, it's a lot safer than crossing a busy road.

Yahoo! is reportedly making a discussion board for underage mums, so they can all meet, talk, and relate to one another.
It's going to be called "Yahoores."

Jacob Ritz; That's a cracker of a name.

My wife just trotted home on a 17.2 hands stallion.
I told her to get off her high horse.

My friends say they cannot believe I'm going out with such a tart.
What can I say, I like Jam.

Trees Can Break Wind.

My wife said to me, "Tonight, in bed, you can do anything you want".
So I invited my secretary over.

I saw an elaborate sketch of some money in an art gallery.
I think it was over drawn.

Hurrah, I've reached the finals of the Tourettes World Cup.
Now it's all over bar the shouting.