I reluctantly went for a job at a restaurant today, and the guy said. "You've got the job."
"I can't wait!" I replied.
He said, "Fantastic, I'll see you Monday, 9am."
I don't think he'd noticed that my arms were missing.

In a recent survey, half of the people asked didn't know their exact shoe size.
I do, all my shoes are a foot long.

A weather front has moved from Britain and has reached as far as Eastern Europe.
UK rain.

A gangster friend decided to tell me the best way to rob a bank.
I took some notes.

7 schoolboys found hanged in their bedrooms using their school tie
groovy, tie dye must be back in fashion!!

My wife told me she was leaving me because im immature. So I told her to:-
Say 'Eye'
Spell 'M.A.P'
and Say 'Ness'
Oh you should have seen her face.

Does an Alpha male Beta woman?

What's my opinion on airconditioning?
Not a fan.

Every house needs a door, and that's where I come in.

I used to be a burglar but I'd always get caught on the first floor.
Same old storey.

If I had a pound for every time someone told me I didn't pay attention, I'll have milk two sugars please.

The wife asked me to go to the shops and get plenty kitchen roll.
She's gonna be pleased to see the 50 rolls of Thirst Pockets I got.

I stole a police helicopter this morning.
Landed me in prison.

They say that Vigilantes take the Law into their own hands.
I think I'll be the Judge...

Ever since buying a digital camera, I can only think of it's positive points.
There aren't any negatives.

Did you know that the bluetooth mobile headset was invented by a German man?
Hans Free.

I was filming a movie and said 'Scene 9, take 5'.
Then everyone went to get lunch.

I just got thrown out of our local hospital for misusing a breast-scanning unit...
Or Binoculars, as the Security Guard insisted on calling them.

Kleptomaniacs always take things literally.

A police officer pulled me for speeding today.
Not sure why, but he's taking me out to dinner tomorrow night.

My mate just asked me to be usher at his wedding.
He can't afford a band and loves his R&B.

I get cheap cigarettes from the Asian bloke that lives at the end of my street.
His nickname is Bacci Stan.

Grab your goat,
Ewe've pulled.

I studied exothermic reactions before they were cool.

The biggest causes of road rage are cross roads.