What do you call an Indian with a shark on his head?
Mohammerhead.

Now we are divorced, my wife has returned to using her maiden name of Bach and it's only now I realise that the relationship was only ever going to turn out one way for me.
I wish I'd never married Helen.

Hire cars: they're no good at all for midgets.

An eldely priest walks into a bar full of atheists.
The barman says "Why the long faith?"

bought my missus a book on the history of glue last week.....she had her head stuck in it for two days.

The best part about being dumb is that it makes magic so much better

Even if I lose to a girl, I still beat them.

Can a shoe box?
No...but a tin can.

When I was younger I used to be a problem child; I just couldn't get enough of solving mathematical riddles with lateral thinking.

I just sliced my finger open trying to take the battery out of my phone.
Cutting edge technology.

I've just found out that a 'hand shandy' isn't really a drink.
Needless to say, the bar-maid got a good tip.

An Office World truck ploughed into my car me last week, killing my son in the back seat, giving me severe whiplash and leaving my motor totally written off. Now, to add insult to injury it looks like I'm going to be held responsible for the accident despite the fact he drove into the back of me.
The woman I spoke to at my insurance company said that there's a clause in the smallprint on my policy that says that I'll be held liable for any crash with a stationery vehicle.

Anywhere I touch on my body leaves an imprint; and lately, it's been really getting me down.
The Doctor's diagnosed me with depression.

I ordered an Indian earlier.
Told him to make me a curry.

A lot of people seem to think I used to be a sailor.
They keep shouting 'anchor' at me from across the street.

I've made more people stand up and leave a cinema than any other person.
I write the credits.

BBC news: 'profound' decline in fish stocks.
I can understand, I prefer OXO beef ones anyway.

How do you tell a kebab to be quiet?
Shh, kebab

My Dad's a Traffic Warden. For my birthday he gave me a "Stop" sign, a wheel clamp and a red traffic light. I asked for a stationery set.

My wife said I never have my own opinions.
I said, "That's what you think".

My teacher asked me if I knew what the largest artery in the human body was.
I said no, but Aorta?

There's a giant flaw in discos.

Just to remind all young kids,
If you cant take the heat stay out of the tumble dryer.

I told my girlfriend that a woman should have a broom in her hands at all times.
She hates it when I make sweeping statements like that.

Just been indulging in a little retail therapy.
Though I did feel bad about the checkout girl crying when I told her my uncle touched me.