I was having a drink with Stephen Hawking when the barman said, "Another round, lads?"
Stephen said, "No I think we're going to call it a night now".
I said, "Speak for yourself, mate"

Shakespeare's philosophy; work right, play wright.

I'd love to see the excitement, and then the utter disappointment, on the starving Africans faces, when the BBC are filming for Comic Relief and they tell them they are about to do a 'live feed'.

I lost my wife and child in a hit and run disaster four years ago. So imagine how eerie it was the other day, while doing some gardening, I unearthed an old steel triangular plaque. As I began to scour the surface I could just detect the faint outline of a figure holding a small child's hand.
Maybe it's a sign.

The high light of my day had to be that beautiful 17th century chandelier I saw earlier.

BBC News: Woman 'called man 65000 times'
Susan Boyle?

Once upon a time, I sat on a clock.

Someone sent me a joke about postmen.
It wasn't delivered well.

Just sold my granddad's military lanyard on eBay.
It was money for old rope.

I dropped my barometer earlier.
Just couldn't handle the pressure.

I had my first date yesterday.
Worst fruit I've ever tasted.

I was getting really high at the park yesterday.
I love going on the swings.

I took some chocolate from some chocolatiers today.
They were reduced to tears.

'I've just found out the best way to make a jumper!' I exclaimed to my wife.
'So?' she said, unimpressed.
'No, knitting.'

I'm not really interested in tobogganing, but I would probably do it if pushed.

I've designed a car without a steering wheel recently.
Quite straight forward really.

We still haven't found a solution to climate change, but we're getting warmer.

Don't you just hate it when someone borrows your pen, then they forget to give it back and you lose all your pigs.

Getting 70% or more in my university exam?
That would be a first.

I was meant to catch up with an old Kenyan friend today.
But even at sixty, he was still too fast.

Having young children has taken over my life.
Every other weekend just isn't your own any more.

To gain weight, takeaway Pizza. To lose weight, take away Pizza.

What do you call an impressionist with a stutter?.
Mi-Mick.

I've recently found out that YOLO is an acronym for 'You Only Live Once'.
I'm not really a fan of that, so I've started using make an acronym for 'Seize The Day' instead.

I was clearing out the garage earlier for a car boot sale when I found a broken abacus.
"Do you think we could sell that?" my wife asked.
"I wouldn't count on it" I replied.