Many thanks to the guy who gave me the large plastic sheet last night.
Ta Paul Lynn.

I've been thinking about what I want played at my funeral and I've decided I'd like tennis, or cricket.
Whoever wins can get the ashes.

I was riding a bus today when I thought to myself,
''I should really get a girlfriend.''

What would you do with a calculator and a chestnut?
Divide and conquer

I thought i'd trick my mate the other day by covering the toilet seat with cling film
It backfired...

I've recently got a new pet, but I don't think it likes my heavy metal music. Either that or I've got a def leppard.

I've searched for this radio active, but I can't pick it up.
Anyone know what frequency it's on?

I tied up my girlfriend yesterday as a joke.
Apparently she didn't get the gag!

Vietnamese cannabis factories are popping up all over the country.
Police say they are trying to 'nip it in the bud'

I've just bought some really cheap incontinence pads.
Tena penny.

I woke up with a giant cat in my bed this morning. Not exactly what I had in mind when I said I fancied a lie in in the morning.

eBay.....
.....is what a Yorkshire man calls the coast

Me and my mate decided to wear something fancy with our shirts at a recent modeling contest.
We ended up tied in first place.

At the weekend I hosted an ear-poking contest.
It was a fight to the deaf.

I was on my way to the West end on the tube and I accidently dropped my Wallet containing both my Oyster card and Musical tickets. Some cheeky slapper tried to pick it up and slip it in her pocket. I said
"Hey, that's my fare lady!"

Eight suspected French terrorists, who were accused of plotting to blow up a university in the north of England, have had their verdicts overturned after new evidence proved them not guilty of any crime.
The Durham Huit are set to be released this Wednesday.

My wife keeps doing pheasant impressions.
I thought "She's game"

The wife and I cannot decide between Thailand or Sock Shop

I was reading the newspaper today when I said to the missus, "It says here that some bloke made a cow swallow some high explosives."
She said, "That's abominable!"
I replied, "No love. It was a bomb in a cow actually."

I don't quite understand the concept of being the last person on earth?
Am I the only one?!

I was surprised to see a horse named 'House' at the Grand National rated at 100/1.
Doesn't it always win?

I was sat outside earlier on, in the sunshine, admiring two birds mating in a tree.
That tree outside the house has really come in handy since my new lesbian neighbors moved in.

A knife-wielding maniac nearly made me crash my car today.
He cut me up.

I've been offered three new wide-angle lenses for my camera, but I think I'll see how this one pans out.

BBC News: 'Man beaten to death with plank of wood'. Special branch called in to root out suspect.