I gave this fit young bird a good seeing to last night
There again, I am a CAT scan operator.

Fried eggs aren't all they're cracked up to be.

I just listened to an army imitating the sound a pigeon makes.
I'll be honest, it wasn't the greatest military coo history will ever record.

BBC News: "Man held after fatal dog attack"
Aaahhh, did he need a hug?

My mobile ran out of credit. So I popped into a newsagents.
"Top up?" said the busty young miss behind the counter.
"Yes please" I stammered, "And when it is, may I suck your nipples?".

How can you tell if someones been inbred?
They'll be covered in crumbs.

I'm never playing Blackjack with my mate again. He dealt out the cards and said, "Stick or twist?"
I said, "Twist", so he said, "In The Sixth Sense, Bruce Willis is a ghost."

Why is there no aspirin in France?
Because Paracetamol.

I was walking to work the other day when some big bird came running over to me asking for directions. . .
I wasn't much help though, I'd never heard of Sesame Street.

Just looked outside my window and it's dead snowy,
tin tin must be devastated.

My football team was a player short, so I said I'd bring my mate Leroy.One lad said, "Is he the one with mixed race parents?"
When I nodded, he asked, "So he's not a full black then?"
I said, "No. He's a centre half."

Fat couples are good at roll play..

My wife is constantly moaning that I don't give her enough credit for all the things she does for me.
So I bought her a 10 T-Mobile voucher.

The Red Arrows haven't been the same since they banned smoking on planes.

What is a Mole? A Vole on crutches.

My mate was telling me last night how his wife was killed by Basque Separatists.
I said, "ETA?"
He said, "No, they blew her up."

I went game fishing today.
I came home with 4 Monopoly sets, 2 Scrabble and a Buckaroo.

After 3 years without a girlfriend, I've decided to dress up as a bottle of syrup and go to a nightclub.
You never know, I maple.

"So you are saying that the there's actually a word for something that means exact in terms and without vagueness?" my friend asked, flabbergasted.
"Precisely." I replied.

People are always telling me to stop eating trousers.
I just wish they'd cut me some slack.

A bloke came up to me in the street and asked if I had any Red Leicester. I apologised and said I only had Swiss cheese.
He went emmental.

I can see 9 years into the future.
I have 20 20 vision.

I was explaining to my mate that I had a really difficult choice to make and I was struggling to decide.
"Dilemma", he said.
"Why?", I asked, "Do you think she'll be able to help?"

I went to a bar the other night to watch some band sing a few songs, but when I arrived everyone else was leaving. I said to the barmaid, "this is the place where the band are performing isn't it?"
She replied, "they're banned."

I'm thinking of opening a strip club which has a restaurant upstairs.
Bangers 'n' Gash.