My mate laughed at me this morning because I woke up with a punchline written on my face. The joke's on him though.

I didn't know the answer to "What does a void consist of?"
Ah well, no matter.

I really like to let my hair down at the weekend.
I show it all the expensive shampoos then just buy the cheap one.

Anne from Little Britain would make the best speaker for parliament, she at least makes sense to one person.

I just met a really depressed worm.
He had lost his other half.

My friend had a go at me for staying out all night taking drugs and then he went off to make some hash coffee.
Pot. Kettle.

I've recently moved to London.
It wasn't for work reasons; I just wanted to be able to tell people that I spend most of my time in Seven Sisters.

The wife took delivery of a 42" TV, today.
What she wants with a cross dressing midget I'll never know.

I went on a beach-hopping holiday last week.
Chopped 86 bees.

I'm getting sick and tired of carrying this baggage around with me. If I keep dragging it around with me, I'm going to end up with all kinds of back ache and god knows what else. So, I'm going to put it down.
I rest my case.

BREAKING NEWS: A man is in hospital after falling into a vat of expensive liquor
He was said to be in good spirits

What is the best way to get rid of Staines?
Demolish the city and extend Heathrow!

I was walking past a construction site the other day when a brickie started yelling abuse at an Indian woman.
He was a cowboy builder.

Football clubs are a lot like women, whenever the big money comes in, they insist on getting a Brazilian.

I've just started receiving my disability allowance.
I now get a cripple and three spastics delivered every two weeks.

What's a dyslexic's favourite hobby?
Frodo.

I went into a tower block yesterday and saw a sign that said 'IFTL' Apparently the lift was out of order.

My wife said she's leaving me for an exorcist.
I dont know what possessed her.

Anyone else feeling to egg the Popemobile?
Headlines could read "Eggs Benedict".

"From the creators of Boggle comes Nab It, a game where anyone can win!"
Oh thank god it's not like all the other board games where only a certain kind of person can win.

Today a met a girl named poverty, I thought that was a very poor choice of name.

You are what you eat they say.
Funny how my missus loves monster munch.

I've decided to pitch my new programme idea in the Dragon's Den.
It's where I go around mugging homeless people to see how much money they have...
It's going to be called Cash in the Addict.

I love my dad's granddad....
...he's great.

Just discovered my vegan neighbour starved to death in his flat.
Couldn't find a pulse.