My girlfriend has just got a new patch that stops her from getting pregnant
It has to be the best update ever

Fishforjobs.com
What can a fish do that i cant??

Today I saw a sign that said 'Walkway slippery when wet'.
I was truly amazed because signs don't usually talk.

The wife left me tonight. She had sent me to the butchers for a turkey and I came back with some roadkill I'd hit on the way.
I'm not too bothered, wheel meat again.

'Three life sentences for The Crossbow Cannibal'
I thought his autobiography would have been longer to be honest.

"For God's sake, I'm working Christmas day!"
Said the vicar.

I had to walk the plank today.
I hate being seen in public with my brain damaged son.

The transition from rugby to American football was tough for me
No matter how many times I tried, they'd always call it a touchdown.

I'm not a fan of Computer-related jokes.
Not one bit

We played a practical joke on our boss in work today. When he came into the room, everybody in the office tried to hit him between the legs with a coin.
I got the sack.

'Ronan Keating confirms split rumours.'
Apparently he's also working on his back flip as well as the hand stand.

Since I was a child, I've been spending every weeknight in a frayed nun's dress, watching my favourite Bruce Willis film.
Old habits, Die Hard.

When my mate kept banging on how he couldn't say the letter 't'. I thought I'd never hear the last of it.

I was accused of cutting a Donkey's tail off.
They won't be able to pin it on me.

Like my girlfriend, my ego is inflated.

I went to night school, so if you ever need to know if its night ask me.

Joiners - Always cutting corners.

I've gone back to heroin as I can't see any methadone in my madness.

What do you call a Dutch courier who cuts you up on the motorway?
Ruud Van Driver.

Ive just got myself a job working in London building one of the new Olympic stadiums.
I thought to myself "Finally im making a stand"

There's hardly any furniture in the Royal Mint.
Although they did once find a sofa there, down the back of a pile of 10p pieces.

I cut one of my vinyl records into a square the other day.
I wanted to set the record straight.

I'm flying to Dublin with Ireland's national airline. They cut the hand luggage allowance from 10kg to 6kg.
That's Cunning Lingus for you. Leaves a bad taste in the mouth.

i'm very suspicious of stalkers, so I keep a close eye on them.

I thought squat-thrust meant a gym exercise until I went to use a French toilet.