Theres nothing on the telly these days.
And thats the disadvantage of flatscreen TVs.

I'm a bird watcher and I'm looking for a Big Breasted Bed Thrasher: have you seen one?

Persuasive carjackers
You've got to give it to them

MSN News:
"Andre bessotted with Burke"
I thought they split up?

Spaghetti Girls...straight until wet

So I was reading the newspaper and I saw an article about a community building in Poland collapsing during an open house. Several were killed and over three hundred wounded.
I thought to myself, thats odd, you'd think 300 poles could hold up a roof.

I was walking home last night from the pub and the next thing I remember is waking up in hospital with the words 'worlds best boyfriend' imprinted on my forehead,
I think I was mugged.

I left the bath running the other night.
It was only when I got half way up my street that I realised I had no clothes on.

I was thinking the other day so I shouted "Thumone help me! I can't thwim!"

Me and my mate were in the snooker club when he gave me a twenty pound note to get the drinks in.
I came back with two pints and gave him a quid change.
He asked, "Where's the rest mate?"
I said, "At the end of the table where it always is."

My thick Chinese mate is constantly getting terrible grades.
He's Fei Ling.

I had a one night stand recently, and to be honest, I would have much preferred sitting.

As I was just minding my own buisness this midget came up to me screaming and shouting about me staring at him and his family. I said, "Im sorry mate I wasn't staring I was just in a world of my own."
As I walked off I thought, "I think I've come away the bigger man."

My mate said he'd buy me a pint if I could think of another word that means 'final score'.
Result!

I phoned my daughter's drama teacher today and told her my daughter is sick and can't make drama club tonight.
She said, "Oh my god! We're all doomed! Oh my god! The world will end! I'm having a nervous breakdown! Oh my god! I'm having a heart attack! Oh! Oh!"

My wife was contemplating having a flu vaccine but I refused to give her advice. I just didn't want to influenza decision.

I found graphs so hard to understand, I could have killed my teacher. If only I knew how to use the axes.

Glitter is something small kids play with.

Alcohol kills nervous tissue and cells.
But the calm ones remain!

I did a bit of cross dressing this morning.
The vicar said it really brightened up the church.

My girlfriend asked me yesterday if I preferred her red or dark brown.
I just wish she'd wear a clean pair of knickers.

My server went down on me today. Turns out over-tipping isn't always a bad thing.

My mate asked me if I could name a three letter word starting with A and ending with Y?
I was stumped, I don't know why I couldn't think of any.

I hate camouflage clothing. You wouldn't see me wearing it.

I have a reoccurring nightmare that when I die, I'll come back as a bin in a Rastafarian hairdressers. Fills me with dread.