My wife just left her job at HMRC.
She found it too taxing.

Some people like them mashed, boiled or roasted, but I like my potatoes cooked by a Chav.
Sauteed.

BBC: Bearded dragon dumped in Edinburgh supermarket toilet.
"I thought we were happy" commented a devastated Deborah Meaden.

I got sacked from my job at the fishing bait factory for causing trouble.
I guess you could say I opened a can of worms.

I rang Duncan Bannatyne the other night to pitch an idea to him but before I could go any further he said:
"I'm out".
Got his answering machine.

I went to get my body waxed yesterday, they did a really bad job.
Oh well I should have gone to pecshavers.

Trifle (noun) - A three barreled rifle.

Last week I decided to read the dictionary.
It didn't take me long, after 5 chapters I had already reached the end.

I'm going to try and get a conversion kick and a penalty goal in the upcoming rugby match. Might not make it, but it's worth a try.

My dad came very close to becoming President of the USA.
He was an undertaker in the army. Barrack Embalmer.

I just put some batteries on charge. I think they are revolting.

Cat Flaps; apparently not the most romantic name for my girlfriend's "downstairs".

I make leather goods for a living. One of my customers sent me a letter of complaint today, claiming that the luggage I made for her was too top heavy and that the feet were unevenly placed, so she intended to sue me.
I'm confident that her case will never stand up in court.

"Keep your friends close, but keep your enemies closer."
That's the only reason I'm still married...

My dad cam to me and said "theres a guy at the front door with no arms and legs"
I said "oh, you mean Matt"

I absolutley destroyed my wife in the sack the other day...
She beat me in egg and spoon though.

I was thinking of a place where water can be found that starts with a 'W' today but eventually just gave up.
Oh well.

My wife said she's leaving me because I never support her in making decisions.
Until now.

things are tense with my wife. past tense.

Just walked past a pub called the Dog Inn. Can't imagine the shenanigans that go on in their car park...

Went to see Les Miserables last night..It's about a group of depressed lesbians.

I went to a dance for the disabled last night.
Well I say dance, it was more of a shindig.

This bloke from the pub tries to sell computers on the cheap.
He's a bit of a Dell Boy.

Cryptographers make terrible drummers. They just sit there, fascinated by all the cymbals.

My TV screen went black today.
I can't get it to go back