I can't take my eyes off my head.

Apparently, you have to train yourself to last longer in bed.
And there was me thinking it would come naturally..

People who have no index fingers are pointless.

To be fair, stay out of the sun.

My wife just asked me for the remote.
Stupid cow, she knows we don't have a remote for the cooker

I was about to go to a fancy dress party as a can of deodorant.
The wife stopped me and said, "Are you Sure?"

Did you know?
There's a secret Mr. Men character, about whom very little is known.
Even his name is a Mr. E

Cancer, now theres a tropic I don't want to talk about

My mates are crazy. They think that there are blood sucking parasites living on the moon.
Lunar ticks.

Didier Drogba will go down in history.
After the very lightest of contact.

Just been down the arcades.
Four quid for a go in an electric chair!
Shocking...

My girlfriend is leaving me because I've got alopecia.
oh well it's hair loss.

Shouting out 'come on, Dai Greene!' Is a great way to show your support.
But I'm starting to regret shouting it in the barbers.

like most romans my age
i'm XXVII

Someone just posted this note through my letter box.
E
M
G
N
I
B
B
U
R
I think it's rubbing me up the wrong way.

Just had my planning application to open a specialised clothes shop in Bridgend turned down,
not sure why, I was only going to sell jumpers..

Rumours are circulating claiming that eating the non leafy stalk parts of a plant can reduce the risk of cancer by 50%
I don't know where that stemmed from

Biofuels have recently become big news, but the concept has been around for many years.
People long ago figured out a way to run engines on almost any organic matter. Corn, leaves, even spices.
The most public use of biofuels occurred over 60 years ago when British Rail made the trains run on thyme.

My boss asked me what role I would be having in an upcoming project.
"I'll have a ham and cheese" was my reply.

I love aluminium oxide; it's my favourite film.

Sausages... that's how I roll.

My mate was stabbed to death by a sheep in a restaurant yesterday.
To be fair, he did order a Lamb Shank.

My new sat-nav has revolutionised my life.
I can honestly say that I wouldn't be here today without it.

I flatten pastry using a heavy cylindrical object
That's how I roll

I'm just about to meet my mates down the pub but i'm not happy that my wife's coming out.
They are never going to believe she's a lesbian.