Today I delivered a package to a man in jail.
He got what was coming to him.

The smallest things always get on my nerves...
Like Dwarfs

Arrears, dues, debt, it's all greek to me.

In a recent Gallup poll it showed ponies run faster than donkeys.

As a policeman, you wouldn't believe some of the lies I'm told.
Only yesterday a woman claimed her car had run off the road.
'Pull the other one love, cars don't have legs'

Snooker playing Midgets.
Give it a rest.

Standing outside my house earlier and every sixty seconds a heavy cast iron disk went rolling past me. I thought... "weight a minute..."

I support Columbia, not England.
I prefer 3 lines up my nose.

Just a guess, but I bet most cyclops don't subscribe to the 'eye for an eye' theory.

My electrician just came to my house and wired it really badly.
I was shocked.

I went to a 70's disco last night.
It was just full of OAP's.

I'm known as a man of few words.
Nuff said.

I just got the highest scores the test examiner ever saw.
Not exactly what you want to hear at the S.T.I. Clinic.....

I don't dare to tell my wife that I have an STI.
I'm not sure how she's gonnorheact.

Last night my mate complained he was addicted to weight training.
I told him to stay strong.

When I said I wanted to be a role model.
Dressing up as a BLT, standing outside Subway and handing out leaflets isn't what I had in mind.

BBC NEWS: 300 pairs of used pants have been found on the M25.
Police are now checking skid marks to see if there`s been an accident.

As I was eyeing up my last shot on the 18th hole in the golf tournament I decided to use my driver.
He's a much better player than me.

My friend and I are moving into a tree-house together.
I hope we don't fall out.

I'm back from the gym. I spent the entire week lifting weights.
Now my house is full of them.

I used to work at a watch recycling centre.
What a waste of time.

Tried to change the water in my fishtank earlier.
Despite my best efforts, it remained as water.

I was set up on a blind date with a girl who was obsessed with the metric system, I couldn't wait to metre.

The boomerang is Australia's biggest export.
(And then import.)

I went into the butchers the other day and asked for a big fat Christmas bird,
"Turkey" he asked,
I replied "I don't care where she's from as long she can handle a spit roast"