I moved my Tomato Ketchup company from England to India.
It's called out-saucing.

Jokes about the police are terribly rude, so just give them arrest.

Women were eyeing up my big bulge in my jeans today.
I didn't reach the toilet in time.

"..and that concludes today's invisibility lesson. Is everybody clear?"

"If I could turn back time"
I probably wouldn't be quoting Cher lyrics.

I've just tried salsa dancing,but it's not for me.
My feet were to big to fit in the jar.

I bought some Sainsbury's "Taste the Difference" triple chocolate cookies.
They all seemed to be chocolate - hardest game ever.

My boys were getting a caricature at the fair when they started fighting.
"Can you break them apart mate?" the guy asked.
"Nah," I replied, "I don't want to get drawn into this."

I failed my CB radio practical exam today.
The instructor said "Do you copy?"
I said "No, but I've got the answers written on my hand."

Once you turn 18.
You can legally do all the things you've been doing since you were 14.

I went to a fancy dress party dressed as a D.I.Y. accident.
I stuck out like a sore thumb.

I think I've finally discovered why my Piano playing is so bad.
Fingers crossed.

My mate has joined a cult that worships black holes.
I'd hate to get sucked into something like that.

The mrs asked me if I could pick some facial wipes up from Tesco on the way home yesterday.
What a disappointing night it turned out to be.

I was so excited earlier when I had a Royal Flush in my hands.
I thought, "I love working in the sewer under Buckingham palace."

I made my girlfriend breakfast earlier
I'm a cannibal

A magician approached me today and asked, "what do you prefer, the rabbit in the hat or the really long piece of cloth in my sleeve?"
I replied "Is this a trick question?"

Last night I had a bar fight with a cowboy.
It ended in a draw.

I was flirting with some birds in a petting zoo today...
I had them eating out the palm of my hand.

My mate is constantly writing lies about me on his new kite.
I'm sick of these rumours flying around.

Just had a race against my mate on who could do their shoelaces up the fastest.
We tied.

After a day of gorging myself on pies, I gained 3.14 pounds.
I guess you really are what you eat.

My mate thinks he's a black hole.
You can't get any denser than that.

I got on an electric bus today.
It was the 21 AAA

I can see into the future, but only good things.
I'm an optimystic.