What do you call a woman with wide shoulders?
Broad

My fat friend has just told me that he's starring in the next series of The Biggest Loser...
I guess I'll be seeing less of him.

BBC News: "Mr Fox challenges foreign aid pledge"
Fantastic.

My son came home from school with a new bookmark
Where the teacher threw a hardback at him

If you can only go left or right, and you know that left isn't right, then by a process of elimination, right must be right because it's the only way left.

I took my gran for a an Indian last night. I ordered a Korma, and the waiter asked, "Would you like that on your naan?"
"No I'll have it on a plate please, it will get stuck in her hair".

I bought Monopoly for 5 from a guy on a market.
I could tell I'd been had from the word GO.

I used to be a banker.
But I lost interest.

I hate my foster family..
I don't understand why the carlsberg family didn't want me...
They look like the best family in the world

I used to be in a synchronised limbo dancing team, but my partner suddenly quit. How could anyone stoop solo?

What's the most common Welsh chat-up line? Hey ewe.

I've just made a clock out of sandpaper.
Times are rough.

Nothing compares to my wife's parking......... It's unparalleled.

I'm not saying my mate is a nerd but the closest he'll ever get to a supermodel is a good Airfix kit.

Toerettes: The unavoidable stream of profanity occurring when you stub your toe.

Thank Christ it's Easter.

I have a chameleon skin jacket.
I like it because it goes with everything.

BBC News: Could we live without flying?
"I think the answer's yes, but I doubt the Chinese could?"

I got pulled for speeding last night.
She must have found it a big turn on.

Which month is a Holocaust denier's favourite?
July.

I don't like golfers who practise a lot, they are always off putting.

My friend asked me if I ever used Ebuddy
I said "Nah, But somtimes I use heroinmate."

The wife thinks I'm mad for putting glue on a pair of duelling pistols.
But I'm sticking to my guns

My wife burnt the steak last night...
Well done.

I've started cycling to work to do my bit for the environment.
I've never understood recycling though - why would I want to make the same journey twice?