I'm not a major shareholder of the Beefeater Group but I do have a steak in it

My girlfriend said to me she felt our relationship was suffering because of a breakdown in communication, but I told her I wasn't really that hungry.

I am the world's worst procrastinator.
I always do everything straightaway.

I decided to break up with that bird that works on the waltzers at the fair.
Everything always had to revolve around her.

I sailed through my driving test.
I think that was the reason why I failed it though, I wasn't meant to use a yacht.

Me and my family love a good roast on Sundays.
Then we all sit down and have dinner.

It's a lot of peoples dream to have a one night stand.
Granted, a lot of those people don't have any legs.

Chris Eubank has today been diagnosed with an unspeakable illness
Cystic Fibrosis

My son stole an aeroplane.
He is so grounded.

An Indian woman walked up to me today and said, "Why are you laughing at the red dot on my head, does it make me look stupid or something?"
I said, "You've got that spot on."

I think my eyesight is getting worse.
I keep walking in to pubs.

It's just cost me two grand to get my girlfriend two pairs of shoes and have her nails done.
I suppose I should expect nothing less when dating a horse.

I watched some bukakke yesterday and I could tell it was the girl's first time.
She was very wet behind the ears.

Do you have Osteoporosis? Click here.

BBC News - Gang groomed and abused teenagers.
Well, at least they made the victims look nice before they did it.

This homeless guy came up to me on the street and said "Big Issue".
I said "University Fees".

I'm getting heavily criticised for the way I run my magazine publishing company, and I don't know why. I've been in charge for five years now, and there haven't been any issues in all that time.

What I wouldn't give to be stingy..

I broke up with my girlfriend as soon as she told me she was a catholic.
I'm just more of a dog person.

I was just finishing off my blueprint for making the worlds largest carpet when I discovered a huge floor in the plan.

My dad won the sperm donor championships two years in a row.
He's the number 1 seed.

Fancy losing a few pounds? Try tennis... A fiver on Andy Murray to win Wimbledon should do the trick.

I went to Laos on Holiday and all I got was this Laosy T-shirt!

What do you call a university full of fat girls studying neuroscience?
A hippocampus.

Anyone else think it's a bit ironic that Tiger Woods' sport of choice requires him to score as little as possible?