I've managed to find a way to communicate with carbonated water.
It's a super accomplishment soda speak.

I knew I should have taken that fork in the road.
Just seen a sign saying there's a dip ahead.

How did the Welshman cross the swamp full of alligators?
Caerphilly.

Sky News: President Obama has signed a post-war agreement with President Karzai during an unannounced visit to Afghanistan
Karzai's going to be gutted when he receives a condom and a dodgy letter through his mail.

As natural disasters go, that tsunami was a bit of a washout

To reflect on the number of divas in the squad, Mourinho has just announced they're changing their name to L'Oreal Madrid.

A friendly midget working in the crematorium?
That's a nice little urner.

Last week, I stole a probiotic yoghurt from my roommate's supply. Ever since, I've had yoghurt pots tapping at my window in the dead of night. Last time I mess with the Yakult!

I discipline my kids by using military tactics.
They're promised sweets which I don't give them.
Its called "Choc and Awww!"

On a scale of 1-100 how inappropriote are you?
69.

My friend says the word 'history' hundreds of times a day.
He's not weird or anything; history just has a habit of repeating itself.

I was in a football match the other day.
"It's a draw!" Shouted the ref, as a wooden piece of furniture got hurled onto the pitch.

If you're a Frenchman in the bedroom, then what are you in the bathroom?
European.

My friend was thinking of becoming a comedian, so I told him the best place to start telling his jokes was the local brothel.
Because They always go down well there!

what do you call a black bloke that only plays 17 holes on a golf course ? mr t

I once crashed my dad's car into a lemon tree.
Ten years later and he's still bitter about it.

Why did the young deer slither on the ice ?
Because he wasn't bambi-dextrous.

If Pinocchio tells you he's got wood then he's lying.

I just asked my friend if her baby likes Aptamil 1...
She said she doesn't have Sky.

I said to the doctor, "I've got this nagging injury which I want you to look at."
"What kind of nagging injury is it?"
I showed him my hand and said, "that one my wife left on my knuckles."

People who are too big for their boots will always have trouble fitting in.

I remember when they turned down my first application to become a Big Issue seller.
I had to beg.

I remember during my years as a vet when one of the wires on the support machine disconnected and wouldn't re-fuse.
I had to hold on for deer life.

Billy Ray Cyrus is emotionally attached to his Keyboard.
Especially, the 'A' key and the 'Break' key.

Life's too short for twelve across, "the period from birth to death", 5 letters.