I was furious that the doctor wanted to perform a lobectomy.
I gave him a piece of my mind.

Just quit my job with National rail.
Couldn't be doing with all the training.

As I sat there waiting for my date to show up, I could not help but think "Yes, this is going to be my lucky day!"
After a minute or two, a hot blonde walked in from the back. She wore a tight red dress, black high heels and her hair came down on white beautiful skin. She held her handbag in her left hand and a bowl in her left.
Slowly, she came close to me and dropped the bowl on my table. "Here's your date, sir, what else can I get you?"

I had nothing to do at work last night, and at around 3am found myself fiddling around with angry birds to while away the hours.
As it turns out, that's frowned upon at Holloway.

I never laugh at people who are less fortunate than me.
They're too hard to find

I never laugh at people who are less fortunate than me.
They're too hard to find

My cat adored me,was always at my side or on my lap.
Then, one day, I just got fed up with it and the cat left.
I lost that loving feline.

My cat adored me,was always at my side or on my lap.
Then, one day, I just got fed up with it and the cat left.
I lost that loving feline.

I thought it would be funny if I went on a night out without ironing my clothes.
I was creasing.

My friend asked my opinion on his new air-conditioning units. I said I'm not a big fan.

What do women and loans from the bank have in common?
I receive no interest from both

I was giving blood at my local health centre the other day when in walked an Orc
"Are you giving blood as well?" I asked
"No" he replied "...I've got too much Haemogoblin"

Got myself a very obedient equestrian horse.
Just goes to show...

New film release about a girl who goes topless in the back yard. It's called 'Flash Garden'

I saw a sign this morning that said ''turn right''
and I thought to myself
''that's odd, a talking sign''

I've got a lovely recipe for a fish stew made with pollock and dog fish. It's the dog's pollocks.

I'm starting to regret buying my wife a bodywarmer for Christmas.
The house stinks now, and the maggots are pouring out of her.

For a big man I was surprised to learn Arnold Schwarzenegger didn't like rats.
The Vermin hater.

Bigamy..Like the real me, but taller.

I draw the line at vomit jokes, they're just sick.

After my girlfriend dumped me my mother told me there's plenty more fish in the sea.
To cheer myself up I went swimming and ended up pulling a mussel.

A Friend of mine said he could turn Wood into cotton,
Turned out to be a fabrication.

It is a well known fact that eventually, birthdays kill us.
Especially when a stick of dynamite is used instead of a candle.

Went to Hyde Park the other day. Difficult to achieve with something so big.

"Dr, Dr. I've swallowed a chickpea, I think I might die".
"Sorry sir, I can't find a pulse".