I really don't get these 'pokes' on Facebook...
I think It's because I have no friends.

My wife keeps moaning about this fatal vomitting disorder she's been diagnosed with.
And frankly I'm sick to death of hearing about it.

It's always hard work getting ready for the harvest, but as they say, no pain no grain.

I hate arrogant anorexics, they just cant swallow their pride.

I got a call from my mum yesterday complaining that buying her underwear for Christmas was an affront.
Actually it was a Y-Front

I met the chinese version of Run DMC the other day
they told me to wok this way.

I was sitting in the pub with my mate the other day when he said to me "I'm going to have a few pints then sort my problems out."
I always knew he was a Lager then Life kind of guy.

I was telling my mate about this photo website me and my girlfriend were looking at the other night.
He said to me "Flickr?"
I said yeh for a while... but about this website.

University
There's an app for that.

My stupid dog is always fetching things for me that I don't want.
I get a lot of stick for it.

After my wife threatened to call the police, I reluctantly had to pull out of the peodofile ring I was in. She's so understanding, I'm so lucky. She completely turned a blind eye to me finishing myself off all over his back.

I watching the lightning out of my window last night, and I began to wonder how it all actually happens.
Then it struck me.

My girlfriend keeps accusing me of cheating.
She just can't get it into her head that my '2 pair' beats her 'Flush'

I don't care how many times my wife tries to suggest it.
I just will not admit to being stubborn.

Im writing a book about psychic abilities,
I can see it being a best seller.

Went to see Morning Glory last night. Imagine my disappointment when I realised it was a romcom.

I've decided to break up with my wheelchair bound girlfriend. I've been carrying the relationship for far too long.

Who is the Patron Saint of Australian problems?
St. ruth

I was in the job centre this morning looking at jobs in the digital tv world, skys the limit i thought.

Sky News: March in memory of stabbed Scottish teen.
"What's wrong with February the month he died in?"

I read today about Keith Chegwin's long battle with alcohol abuse.
Well you know what they say..... Cheggers can't be Boozers

I just bought some of the new Apocalypse cheese.
It's Best Before End.

What do you call a muslim who's brought legal action against his own mother?
Mahsoud.

The wife said she wants a corridor going down the middle of our house.
I said aisle sort it out.

Time walks into a bar...
And gets wasted.