Stubbed my toe at midnight last night, started off 2012 on a bad foot

Everyone loved me in the school nativity, I was the star.

Hate ruining shoes,
It's sole destroying.

My son asked me the other day, what I thought about knock-knock jokes.
I replied, "They don't ring any bells.."

Nudists need to be exposed for what they are.

My argumentative friend went into PC World, Currys and Comet today and bought every single copy of Microsoft Office.
He always has to have the last Word.

I gave a satisfied sigh as I watched my wife clear the table.
Although I think the local pool hall are beginning to suspect she might be a hustler.

I was lost for words when my wife beat me in Scrabble.

I'm thinking about entering the national erection championships.
How hard can it be?

I went to buy a masonry drill earlier.
I was stood there, with one trouser leg rolled up but none of the staff in B&Q knew the secret handshake.

I was throwing a piece of cake out for the birds earlier and it came back and smacked me in the face!
It must have been a boomeringue!

I said, "How long left ref?"
He said, "It's injury time"
So I broke his nose.

My psychiatrist said I have commitment issues so I've started seeing a different one.

I spoke to my sons teacher today. He said, 'I commend your child'
I said, 'I'm sure you can.. but I'm not sure he's even broken''

My wife asked me to take down the blinds while I was up at the window.
So I shot them both in the head, sending the guide dogs fleeing the scene.

I remember when I used to take my wife on holiday and get her stoned...
Oh how I love to visit Qatar.

I've just ordered some Testosterone online...
It's in the male.

I'm writing a short script about the history of the dictionary, its alright, just a little word play.

One time when I was re-enacting the birth of Christ, I swear I saw the manger move by itself...
Paranormal Nativity.

My mate challenged me to get him something affordable for his rabbit to play in, I gave him a right good run for his money.

My missus stubbed her toe so I carried her into the hospital.
I asked, "How bad is it doc?"
He said, "Your going to have to put her down."
I said, "Oh dear, did you hear that Sheila? We're going to have to put you down."

I was drilling this girl the other night,
Unfortunately, the hole in her head killed her.

My girlfriend just phoned to ask me what I thought of her mum's new grave.
I told her I was diggin' it.

My mother-in-law is coming to dinner this evening...
My wifes making a curry and i'm getting the ricin.

I went shopping the other day to get away from the wife. When I got back she asked me what I bought. I said "I bought a sausage dog" She said "Awwww u bought me a pet" I said "No, I went to the butchers"