Some people call me Mayfield Avenue.
That's my street name.

I went down the pub this afternoon after a game of golf.
They said I'd be more likely to get one at the golf course.

I am a pessimistic man much like a german vegetarian...
I fear the Wurst.

I just gave my missus a right hook.
I've always wanted to do pirate role play.

I've just sold 30 dummies to a baby for fifty quid,
Sucker.

Obesity is huge at the moment.

I love my foot.
What a legend.

It was just over a fortnight ago, since my wife left me, because of my obsession with Sinead O'Connor.
In fact, its been seven hours and fifteen days.

My wife has attempted suicide three times this year.
She's just not getting the hang of it.

I'd love a delicious German sausage, but I don't have any money, just this dead seagull. Think they'll take a tern for the wurst?

I had always wondered why they called it 'injury time' at the end of a football match. That is until we lost to a goal in the 93rd minute and my wife helped me to understand it a bit better.

Last week in the News.
ABC News, at least 18 killed by Flash floods in the US.
Today Sky News, 19 Killed by Flash floods in France.
"Who's this bloke called Flash, and how does he move around the world undetected?
I'd like to shake his hand for a job well done."

We were trying to find a way to cross the Nile, when we came across a ford in the river. We had a good laugh at the unlucky driver and continued with our search.

My mate called me a legend the other day.
Personally I don't see what's so great about being a foot.

How do you weigh citrus fruits?
Limescale.

I attend weddings purely to be fortunate enough to hear those two little words that always bring tears to my eyes;
Free Bar!

I'm ashamed to admit that I'm proud of my contradictory skills.

As I'm 7ft tall, I regularly get the "Hey man, you're tall, do you play basketball?" And to be quite frank I'm getting sick of it.
I dont go up to midgets and say;
"Hey, you're short do you play mini golf?

Time flies.
Babies don't.

Getting on the bus I realised that there were no seats left for me to sit on, so reluctantly I had to hold tightly onto one of those poles for the entire journey. I wasn't happy about it.
Then again, I doubt he was thrilled about it.

For men, putting make-up on is a drag.

My girlfriend said due to my immaturity, and lack of sensitivity, she can't see there being a future in our relationship.
It was funny cause she's blind.

Two was pointing a loaded gun at Zero. Just before Two fired the fatal shot, One threw himself in front of the bullet, taking the full force of the blow.
Poor number One, he died for nothing.

I tried raping a Jamaican man yesterday, but I had to run off because he pulled my balaclava off and saw my face.
I don't know why he thought my name was Norman, though.

I went to see a fortune teller today.
She looked in her crystal ball and said,
"Oooooooooooooooooooh!"
"Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!"
I said, "Is Cantona making a comeback?"