I killed my wife and kids in a murderous rampage after they kept comparing me to a fat, stupid character from TV.
I may have overreacted, but then again, I never really was much of a family guy.

I spent hours last night playing '' Guess Who '' with my three kids .
Not the board game though , I had them trying to work out which one of them is adopted .

Weathermen say the worst two winters we have seen were 1947 and 1963.
I disagree, surely it's got to be Mike and Bernie!

Animal shaped mp3 players? hey that was my Ideer!

Ive got something in my pants, thats 6'' long with a purple head on it, that drives all the girls crazy!
It's called a 20 note.

Woman in South London attacked and killed by Belgian Mastiff.
Police say she kept in the festive spirit right to the end, when she let out a little mauled whine...

Hu is the president of China?

I'm sleeping in the spare room tonight because my wife keeps shouting out "Monopoly" "Scrabble" "Snap" in the night.
I have had enough of her games.

My wife was upset but I was actually delighted when our son told us he is bent.
He's going to share the confiscated weed with me after his shifts on the beat.

A man was in my way and wasn't sure whether to move left or right to let me past
In the end, I had to push him to decide

I knew a referee who would only ever blow his whistle to end the game.
It was his full-time job.

I was toy shopping with my daughter when she saw some Toy Story figures on the shelves,she said,
"Are Buzz and Woody not moving because they're not real - like the ones in Toy Story?",
So, I played along and said, "No sweetheart, see how those one's are in boxes?".
She said,"Oh, can they not move because there isn't enough room?",
I said,"No honey, they've suffocated to death".

My mum lives round the corner from me and since my dad left her she's felt, 'lonely and isolated'.
So I've heard.

The man who took Ryan Air to court after losing his luggage has lost his case.

Today I played Snooker with a friend but he was useless.
Wouldn't even let me put chalk on his head.

The local farmer has made it easier for people to get in and out his fields.
I like his stile.

The Mississippi was teased a lot in River School.
All the other rivers would point and call it "Four I's".

This Christmas I've told the wife that as a special treat she can pick a ring out.
Just so long as she washes her hands before stuffing the turkey.

Just like rugby star Brian Moore, if you're abused as a child, you'll grow up to be a hooker.

I knew a shepherd once...
He was brilliant in his field.

Millets, you know it makes tents.

When's a white van man not a white van man?
When he's black.

I was walking along the road this morning when a van stopped next to me, a bloke stepped out and he asked me if I thought he looked silly wearing a helmet.
It must have been insecuricor.

A man was arrested for stealing the gold leaf off trophies, but was later released due to lack of evidence.
He showed no sign of guilt.

I had to split up with a girl because neither of us could crack our knuckles.
It wasn't her fault, we just didn't click.