My girlfriend just texted me and asked for me to call her later.
I'd prefer to carry on calling her Sarah to be honest.

Everyone in my neighbourhood wears woolen jumpers that are a size too small,
we're a very tight knit community.

I thought I would highlight the rising levels of obesity with the use of a pie chart.

I've just bought a new flat.
That's the last time I go to Kwik Fit.

I ordered myself a slow cooker online last week.
It's already three days late.

I resent people who insist I should respect the national anthem.
I won't stand for it.

What have second cousin marriage and Birmingham got in common?
They're both dodgy grey areas that people tend to avoid.

I had to break up with my girlfriend because she's obsessed with Twilight.
Fed up of her waking me up just before dawn to look at nothing.

Went to bingo tonight.
Got two fat ladies.
Worst threesome ... ever.

Girls are all over me when I tell them I work as a red arrow.
Really I hold the sign in the high street that points you in the direction of Currys.

Archaeologists find dozens of wooden animals buried at the foot of Mount Ararat.
They must have been Noah's, after all, they did come in 2 x 2.

I was jumped by a load of black guys earlier.
That's the last time I go to an athletics track dressed like a hurdle.

i've started up a business selling fishing rods... to be honest its not really catching on

Get your Uranium Rods, we're going fission...

I've just found out that my favorite fish has got cancer.
The vet said it's a malignant tuna.

I went to play golf with the guys from work.
Just as we got to the first hole my boss asked, "Have you brought your tee?"
I said, "Nah, I'll have it when I get home."

BBC NEWS: Schoolboy kills 15 year old girlfriend for free breakfast
I guess she's "toast" then

So Magnus Magnusson said to me "And your specialist subject is?"
"Well, since this must be heaven," I said, "It's not gas boilers..."

Promised my mum that I'll never end up working in the prison kitchen herb garden again.
I've served my thyme.

Just saw a sign which said "WARNING! Forklift Truck in Operation".
No wonder the NHS waiting list is so long.

Im aroused by fire. Must be all those naked flames.

Someone stole my spine while I was sleeping, but I'll get my own back.

Just saw a German philosopher out buying fruit.
Pretty sure I've spotted a Nietzsche in the market.

I've released a new book on why it's important to keep money in the bank for as long as possible.
There's been big interest so far.

"What do you think of Ant and Dec?"
"Well, Ant is a bit deviant, but Dec is half decent."