My girlfriend just texted me and asked for me to call her later.
I'd prefer to carry on calling her Sarah to be honest.

Everyone in my neighbourhood wears woolen jumpers that are a size too small,
we're a very tight knit community.

I thought I would highlight the rising levels of obesity with the use of a pie chart.

I've just bought a new flat.
That's the last time I go to Kwik Fit.

I ordered myself a slow cooker online last week.
It's already three days late.

I resent people who insist I should respect the national anthem.
I won't stand for it.

What have second cousin marriage and Birmingham got in common?
They're both dodgy grey areas that people tend to avoid.

I had to break up with my girlfriend because she's obsessed with Twilight.
Fed up of her waking me up just before dawn to look at nothing.

Went to bingo tonight.
Got two fat ladies.
Worst threesome ... ever.

Girls are all over me when I tell them I work as a red arrow.
Really I hold the sign in the high street that points you in the direction of Currys.

My wife is pretty handy around the house.
She's not allowed inside.

I don't trust mascara...
It's out on the lash with a different girl every night.

A mate of mine has been telling absolutely everyone that he has been doing stretching exercises for so long that he can now bend double.
I guess he really likes blowing his own trumpet.

I was at an airport and I saw a sign that said "Check in here"
I thought "But I haven't even lost anything"

I've just seen a china man fall from a tall building.
He shattered on impact.

What brand of tobacco do Emo kids smoke?
Cutters Choice

Archaeologists find dozens of wooden animals buried at the foot of Mount Ararat.
They must have been Noah's, after all, they did come in 2 x 2.

I was jumped by a load of black guys earlier.
That's the last time I go to an athletics track dressed like a hurdle.

i've started up a business selling fishing rods... to be honest its not really catching on

Get your Uranium Rods, we're going fission...

I've just found out that my favorite fish has got cancer.
The vet said it's a malignant tuna.

I went to play golf with the guys from work.
Just as we got to the first hole my boss asked, "Have you brought your tee?"
I said, "Nah, I'll have it when I get home."

BBC NEWS: Schoolboy kills 15 year old girlfriend for free breakfast
I guess she's "toast" then

So Magnus Magnusson said to me "And your specialist subject is?"
"Well, since this must be heaven," I said, "It's not gas boilers..."

Promised my mum that I'll never end up working in the prison kitchen herb garden again.
I've served my thyme.