Just saw a sign which said "WARNING! Forklift Truck in Operation".
No wonder the NHS waiting list is so long.

Im aroused by fire. Must be all those naked flames.

Someone stole my spine while I was sleeping, but I'll get my own back.

Just saw a German philosopher out buying fruit.
Pretty sure I've spotted a Nietzsche in the market.

I've released a new book on why it's important to keep money in the bank for as long as possible.
There's been big interest so far.

"What do you think of Ant and Dec?"
"Well, Ant is a bit deviant, but Dec is half decent."

"So, two of you fell off the riverboat as it entered the bend?"
"Yes" I said, "Meander."

I'm listening to La Roux; The shoplifter edition.
Going in for the till.

The Romans were the best at persecuting Christians.
They nailed it.

I smoked weed when I was in university.
I did it in snow, I did it in sleet, I even did it in rain, but I did not inhale.

I was in America last week and visited a taxidermist. After spotting a large stuffed Grizzly I told the shop owner I'd like its upper limbs.
The shop owner said," Son, you can't buy it in bits."
I said, " Hold on. This is America, yeah?"
He said," Certainly is. The land of the free."
I said," Ok. So what about my right to bear arms?"

My wife has been constantly nagging me to sign up to one of those social networking sites. I decided Twitter , knocked her clean out.

FoxNews - Powerful bombings rock Afghan city of Kandahar.
I hope they come to britain, sounds like an awesome band.

My Jewish colleague broke his arm last week.
The Doctor gave him a hollow cast.

The weather is really up in the air at the moment.

A detective was stabbed at a robbery in a bookies today.
I'm trying to find out the odds of that happening.

If you can't beat 'em . . . . . You'll most likely lose or draw.

I was up in the loft today and found my grandad's old wig weaving machine.
It's a family hair loom.

Just bought a CD about railways.
It's got some nice tracks.

I'll only play snooker with people on condition that I have the first shot.
It's a habit I've got to break.

Needed a new stapler at work so my mate told me to get one from the stationary cupboard.
I asked which one, as none of them had moved an inch all day.

My best mate never carries money or cash cards...
I suppose you've got to give him credit.

I told my friend I was going to drive to Africa in my car.
"Sudan" he said ?
"No, its a hatchback"

Yesterday evening I had dessert, followed by a starter and then my main course.
My doctor said I had an eating disorder.

My job interview didn't go very well.
They asked "What will you be bringing to this job?"
I don't think "My briefcase" was the answer they were looking for.