"So, two of you fell off the riverboat as it entered the bend?"
"Yes" I said, "Meander."

I'm listening to La Roux; The shoplifter edition.
Going in for the till.

My wife is pretty handy around the house.
She's not allowed inside.

I don't trust mascara...
It's out on the lash with a different girl every night.

A mate of mine has been telling absolutely everyone that he has been doing stretching exercises for so long that he can now bend double.
I guess he really likes blowing his own trumpet.

I was at an airport and I saw a sign that said "Check in here"
I thought "But I haven't even lost anything"

I've just seen a china man fall from a tall building.
He shattered on impact.

What brand of tobacco do Emo kids smoke?
Cutters Choice

The Romans were the best at persecuting Christians.
They nailed it.

I smoked weed when I was in university.
I did it in snow, I did it in sleet, I even did it in rain, but I did not inhale.

I was in America last week and visited a taxidermist. After spotting a large stuffed Grizzly I told the shop owner I'd like its upper limbs.
The shop owner said," Son, you can't buy it in bits."
I said, " Hold on. This is America, yeah?"
He said," Certainly is. The land of the free."
I said," Ok. So what about my right to bear arms?"

My wife has been constantly nagging me to sign up to one of those social networking sites. I decided Twitter , knocked her clean out.

FoxNews - Powerful bombings rock Afghan city of Kandahar.
I hope they come to britain, sounds like an awesome band.

My Jewish colleague broke his arm last week.
The Doctor gave him a hollow cast.

The weather is really up in the air at the moment.

A detective was stabbed at a robbery in a bookies today.
I'm trying to find out the odds of that happening.

If you can't beat 'em . . . . . You'll most likely lose or draw.

I was up in the loft today and found my grandad's old wig weaving machine.
It's a family hair loom.

Just bought a CD about railways.
It's got some nice tracks.

I'll only play snooker with people on condition that I have the first shot.
It's a habit I've got to break.

Needed a new stapler at work so my mate told me to get one from the stationary cupboard.
I asked which one, as none of them had moved an inch all day.

My best mate never carries money or cash cards...
I suppose you've got to give him credit.

I told my friend I was going to drive to Africa in my car.
"Sudan" he said ?
"No, its a hatchback"

Yesterday evening I had dessert, followed by a starter and then my main course.
My doctor said I had an eating disorder.

My job interview didn't go very well.
They asked "What will you be bringing to this job?"
I don't think "My briefcase" was the answer they were looking for.