Crimewatch: "If you saw someone with a petrol can like this on the 30th of May 1997, please get in touch and catch this arsonist."
How ridiculous! No-one's going to remember a petrol can they saw 13 years ago.
...because I used Diesel.

I asked my Dad how I could become a successful lift operator like he was,
he told me I had to start at the bottom and work my way up..

I've just seen Ashley Cole and he said to me, ''Would you like to meet my ex?''
I said ''How you spelling meet?''

I think my girlfriend has a split personality.
she just sat me down and told me she's 'Mr Period' !?

Police caught me thieving calenders from W.H Smiths today, I'm going down for a few years.

If you want to be able to identify tartans, it's easy.
You look under the kilt, and if it's a quarter-pounder, you know it's a McDonald's.

A new type of black hole has been discovered which is capable of spreading the Black Death.
That says one thing to me - a void like the plague.

I was in London with my mates when one of them said "How are we going to get over the river?"
I said, "We'll cross that bridge when we come to it".

At college, I ran for President of the union.
Took him out with one rugby tackle.

My wife wasn't impressed with the deep, fat fryer I brought home yesterday.
He works in the chippy and just mumbles philosophy.

So Brazil have applied to have 'Mud Wrestling' as a sport for the 2016 Rio Olympics.
It won't cost anything extra, the stadiums are already in place.

I have a foolproof way to stop women ever denting my pride.
I've banned them all from driving in my safari park.

"Do you even know what simultaneous commentating means?"
"I do, as it happens."

If your horse goes too fast.
You mustang on.

My mate told me he's a lead singer.
I don't know why though, burning cables seems pointless.

I used to be a member of the Robust Neckwear Society.
I still have strong ties with the group.

I've heard that Emile Heskey and the McCanns both keep having the same nightmare.
Missing a sitter.

Cricket is so difficult to understand.
It just sounds like pointless chirping to me.

For a paedophile,revenge is sweets.

I did an amazing header earlier.
It had the date in a shiny blue font on it.

Andy Carroll is like EasyJet, not bad till you've experience BA!

My landmine training was tougher than I thought but I eventually found my feet.
And then twenty yards further my left arm.

I really don't like annoying people.
Except for my wife, I could annoy her all day long.

I wish I'd never written it, but finally I have finished my book about regret.

I tried to take a light fixture down from my ceiling this morning, but now its in tighter than ever.
I think I might have screwed up.