Bread machines.
There's no knead for them.

Armour and helmet half price: for one knight only.

I borrowed some eggs, flour and sugar from my neighbour.
I'm making a sponge cake.

There's two kinds of people I really hate. Those who put animals into words
And hippocrites.

What colour is the wind?
Blew.

Hitler was right!
Wing.

I like to invest in the youth of today so I make regular deposits.

So, on a TV ad tonight, Dwight 'I'm-a-no-mark-and-short-of-cash' Yorke has decided to stick his neck out to "tell the real story" of his "relationship with Katie Price" for the News of the World tomorrow.
Surely, 'Spade digs big hole and makes spaz spade' is all that needs to be said?

It has been announced today that as part of their new intensive training program the army have devised a new test of patience and endurance that will stretch even the toughest of men to breaking point.
Trying to add a joke to the Sickipedia website during peak periods.

Shire Gelding For Sale.
Bay with white legs.
17.5 hands.
5 years old.
Died last Tuesday from colic.
500 ono.
That's flogging a dead horse.

Started going to the gym on holiday,
Did 10 reps.

I decided to "come out of the closet" to my parents earlier.....
Perhaps I shouldn't do it while they're sleeping in the middle of the night, they thought I was a ghost.

Gordon Ramsay taught me all I know.
I swear.

My wife brought a penguin home yesterday...
...I let it slide.

BBC News: Van der Sar to end career in May.
I can't wait to see that episode of Top Gear.

I used to suffer with terrible flashbacks.
Luckily, they're a thing of the past.

I just texted my friend, "You got any hats I can borrow?"
He texted back, "Caps or nothing I'm afraid mate"
I replied "YOU GOT ANY HATS I CAN BORROW?"

I got some strange looks when I was sitting on the bus this morning .
I bet they were wondering how I got up there.

My Mum told me I would melt some hearts one day, she was right, but I hate working in the pork pie factory.

I went to see a tarot card reader the other day. I said It's my birthday can you tell me what the cards say. She said To John, Happy Birthday.

I was going to watch that film I Am Number Four.
But I've decided to watch the other three first.

My mate invented the perfect anti-grizzly suit the other day. He's been absolutely unbearable ever since.

I wasted a great deal of time trying to get information about niqabs, boshiyas and burqas but found nothing.
The things you do to know a veil.

After having an STI test i was gutted and decided to speak to my wife
it wasn't easy but she had to know, she'd find out sooner or later
she went mental, trading in the galaxy for a subaru was a bad idea i guess.

When I married my wife, I took an oaf.