'Breast cancer' is a mammogram of 'flat chest'.

I tried to look up "persevere" in the dictionary once. I couldn't find it so I gave up.

ITV News: "Boy has right half of brain Removed, still walks"
I suppose it's all he's got left now

I've just got new blue eyes and a new blonde wig.
I'm saving them for a special Caucasian.

"We make a strange pear" Said the schizophrenic fruit.

If your gonna bully anyone bully people with erectile dysfunction,
they can't stick up for themselves

When gingers go on holiday . . Do they fly with Virgin ?

The sun: 20 stone woman stuck on slide at butlins.
how hard can it be? just let a man design it instead.

The art dealer told me to go and pick up his Monet. At first I didn't have a clue what he was talking about, but now I get the picture.

My missus is useless. She can't do anything right.
Probably something to do with the stroke she had.

A little known fact about Ebeneezer Scrooge was that he didn't like sweets
Bar humbugs...

I can't jstand queue umpers.

As my frigid girlfriend stood there, I said
"I think we should spend some time apart", and she burst into tears.
"What's the matter?" I asked, "I was talking to your legs."

What's the difference between bride and groom?
I don't "bride" school girls

There's a lot of people who have been criticising the new I-Phone 4 just recently.
I bought one today, and to be honest I have to give it credit.
Its on pay as you go.

My mate was hallucinating when he fell off a balcony.
I think he tripped.

Why don't you want to go to Syria?
Because it's between Iraq and a hard place.

Has one heard of the signifance of the letters c, t, s and q?
It appears they are inconsequential

According to reports, Gordon Brown is moving to cut nuclear subs.
Wish he'd just leave my lunchtime sandwiches alone and get on with the business of government.

My doctors surgery does a drop in session every friday, 12:00- 2:00
But when I arrived, the doctor looked at me in a funny way.
Probably something to do with the parachute on my back.

Roy walkers opinion on 7UP ,
" Its good , but its not sprite "

Microsoft has released its new operating system, the Windows 7.
I still think that sounds more like a double glazing terrorist group.

Six bodies found at U.S rapists home. He must like a six pack.
I'm more of a soda man myself. I have seven up in my loft.

I decided to take my Mother-in-law shopping today, in light of Sainsbury's current eco-advertising campaign.
"Take an old bag shopping."

I don't think sanitary towels properly address the monthly ordeal that women suffer from periods.
They just paper over the cracks.