BBC News: Alcohol drinking 'still falling'
Well it depends on how many I've had?

Sometime you just have to stop, look back and say to yourself, "I was there a second ago."

Booed BB Nadia in suicide bid.
can i stick 10 on that then please.

A gorgeous girl gave me her number in a club last night and she said she was on the game.
I'm definitely going to give her a call, I like a girl to be punctual and organised.

Been at Plymouth harbour all week doing nothing but staring out at all the military ships that are moored there.
I just like naval gazing.

Never lie to an x-ray technician...
They can see right through you.

Dimmer switches are delighting.

Am thinking about marketing chopsticks as an enhancement to masturbation, just can't think of a name for them.. fiddlesticks..

When the world is your oyster, all you have to do is stay clam and collected.

Black holes: what you get in black socks.

My wife insisted that she wasn't scared of being chased by chinese midgets.
It only took a little pursue-asian to prove her wrong.

If people can read words from just the first and last letter, no matter what order the middle is; does that apply to supercalifragalisticexpealidocious?

Some funny looking bloke just fell out the sky and offered me a great deal on freeview TV.
Extraterrestrial.

There was a bit of disturbance at a Coldplay concert.
Some people were getting into Trouble.

I would love to tell you more about my new book about endings but where do I start.

BBC News: "Three-year-old girl rescued from Argentina well"
I reckon i could have done it better.

I had a weird moment earlier with a Chinese taxi driver.
I went to put my luggage in the boot and he leaned out the drivers window and shouted "Beautiful".
"Thanks" I said, "Now I'll just put my luggage in the boot".
"No, you look beautiful" He replied.
I was just about to smash his face in when he slowly said "No no, you look, boot is full".

I stand by paraplegics through all walks of life.

Baby girl attacked by fox whilst sleeping
Oh right one of those sleep walking foxes...

I was at a pet fashion contest the other day when I saw a child's dog wrapped in lovely clothes.
I went over to the little girl to congratulate her, saying 'I love your doggy style'.
I was shortly escorted from the premises.

My wife has told me to stop splashing out on cars,
Apparently the neighbours are sick of wiping sperm off their windsheilds.

I had a hard time watching the primary school nativity play.

I can't wait to go back to work:
my female boss said she hopes to see a nude erection from me next year!

My wife's still mad at me.
I know I'd done a bottle of Vodka but "Baked Custard Tart" and "Caked Gusset Fart" is such an easy mistake to make.

I phoned up the bank to find out the situation of my current balance
They told me to stop being stupid and that if I left one raisin on top of the other on the kitchen side they would probably still be there