Just met a singing oven
He had a great range

ITV+1.
The amount of TV channels in Wales.

Out hunting pheasant yesterday but only managed to shoot a blackbird.
Her name was Latoya, according to her driving licence

Weston-Super-Mare has announced two new twin towns.
Burnham-on-Sea and Chard.

I'm ashamed to admit it, but I do like to use scaremonger tactics to get what I want.
I haven't paid for fish in years.

I was down the police station the other day, hands cuffed behind my back while I was being questioned. Surprisingly, one of the officers was kind enough to bring me some tea and a biscuit.
I didn't know how to take it.

My mate plays the violin and he's makes me hold up the music sheets while he plays.
I'm sick of doing it, so now I'm making a stand.

I found a rock made of quartz the other day,
It was gneiss

I've just driven from London to Aberdeen to buy a retro gaming console.
It was a Mega Drive.

What do you call an unemployed goat?
Billy Idol

When cooking a quick snack, you just can't beat a egg.

I haven't been to a cashpoint for so long I'm getting withdrawl symptoms

They've put up a set of monkey bars in my local park. I think it was a poor decision on the part of the local council.
Children keep getting harrased by drunk monkeys now.

Officer: "I'm going to have to give you a warning."
Driver: "Fine."
Officer: "If thats what you want."

I have a tree planting addiction and need to start cutting down.

Doing the school run with the kids but they just can't keep up with the car.

Just saw a midget walking past an open gate and jumping the six foot fence instead.
I thought,That's a little over the top.

My mate has finally convinced me to go to Ju-Jitsu with him.
He twisted my arm.

I bought myself an apple ipod, an apple iphone and a apple ipad today, I also bought the wife a blackberry torch and the daughter a blackberry curve from carphone warehouse. When I went to get my son something I got refused, apparently you're only allowed 5 a day.

BBC NEWS: "Labour leader Ed Miliband accuses the coalition government of performing a partial U-turn over free book funding."
Sorry to break it to you Ed, but a 'partial U' is a straight line.

What is Bruce Lee's favourite drink?
Wa-tah!

My wife has given birth to our son in the brand new high tech delivery room.
It was cordless.

I've often been lycaned to a Werewolf.

My nose is the scenter of my face.

I've just been dumped by my girlfriend on facebook.
The writing's on the wall.