Women don't know the meaning of hard work.
My wife phoned me to tell me she was in 'labour' but when I got to the hospital she was just lying in bed.

I caught the 69 bus, today.
Everybody on there was doing it.

My friend has just retired as a transplant surgeon.
He touched the hearts of many people...

I told my friend, "Nothing good can come from Paedophilia"
He said, "Yes it can - I can't think of any cons."
I said, "Can you think of any pros?!"
He said, "Yes, Gary Glitter, Michael Jackson and the Pope to name a few...."

Just been doing an online jobsearch and seen a job for male escort.
I've emailed them asking to send over a nympho pack.

I had a nice 'Pisa' steak last night.
It was very lean.

I was on the bus, not knowing where to dispose of my chewing gum.
Luckily the conductor gave me a little bit of paper.
It was just the ticket.

I saw a vet in his surgery with his hand up a sheep.
"Lambing it?" I asked
"No," he said, knocking the floor, "it's real wood."

My ice business got liquidated due to a power cut.

Every time I get to the end of my road a man is always there offering me a hot beverage.
Must be a tea junction.

A blind man walked into a bartender.

Manchester United? I knew united fans don't take Man City seriously but this is too far!

My wife was late to our wedding as her train was held up by some bridesmaids.

I came out of the front door this morning.
Got the Milkman right in the face.

As I travelled around the country I came across some amazing coincidences.
I saw an ox in a Ford in Oxford.
I saw a red ditch in Redditch.
I ate some Old ham in Oldham.
And I met a Paki called Stan in Bradford.

I travel around circuses and tell the owners when their coconut stalls are getting too old.
I'm the shy retiring type.

I've just been to the best meeting of 'Optimists Anonymous' EVER!!

A famous Viking explorer returned home from a voyage and found his name missing from the town register.
His wife insisted on complaining to the local civic official who apologised profusely saying,
"I must have taken Leif off my census."

What have my wife and the twin towers got in common?
If you hit them a couple of times they will eventually go down.

Before his release from prison all you ever saw were posters saying Free Nelson Mandela and I got a bit bored with it. So I started my own poster with Arch-Bishop Desmond Tutu, 20% off

Gordon Brown has telephoned the mother of a soldier killed by a roadside explosive in Afghanistan to apologise after apparently misspelling his name in a letter.
In a further letter to rectify the situation, he admitted he was mortarfied.

Tributes are FLOODING in for PC Bill the bobbing bobby Barker.

I didn't know whether to get my baby boy a toy or a pet this Christmas - so I got him a rattle snake.

Me and a mate have started dealing weed and sharing the profits.
It's a joint venture.

I went to my local Spar and everyone was doing martial arts.