I was going to do a charity walk all the way through Iraq but I changed my mind.
I ran.

Me and my girlfriend are going to try 69.
Honey Chili Chicken with Almonds served with a portion of Fried Rice.

My Ex-girlfriend wasn't much of a fighter. But, man, you should have seen her box!

I've been fed up with food lately.

I met this Jew the other day, we got into a theological debate. It turned out he really didn't like other Jews at all, his family were all really stingy and he'd been abused by a rabbi as a child. We were getting on so well I plucked up the courage to ask him about his terrible facial scarring.
Apparently he'd cut off his nose to spite his faith.

I spent the first ten years of my life thinking the Country I lived in was called 'England Nil'

I told my wife I wanted a divorce this morning.
She said, "Pigs might fly before I give you the satisfaction of a divorce".
So I threw her out of the window.

I turned down the chance to take free yoga lessons.
I think I made the right choice, I won't be kicking myself after a few weeks.

I did a pilot for a TV show recently, at least he told me he was a pilot.

My Mums sister hates her own name.
She's anti-Barbara.

I think snails must be wary of getting divorced, you really wouldn't want to lose the house

My wife just enrolled for a weekly self help group aimed at dealing with her compulsive talking issues.
It's called On and On Anon

My friends wanted to call me Mr Manipulative.
I was able to persuade them to call me something else though.

That 'fly spray' is a rip-off. I covered myself with it and have been flapping my arms for 5 minutes but I haven't taken off yet.

My friend told me that i didn't understand sarcasm.
I ignored him because i knew he was being sarcastic.

Ironically, every member of "The Black Hand Gang" was Caucasian.

This evening I walked out of my cottage door, dusk was just falling and there was still a gentle and pleasing warmth from the day. Sweet pea and lavender scent filled the air, with deeper notes counterpointing from the bougainvillea and honeysuckle.
The sun, low and blood red against the horizon threatened to boil the sea as it sank from view, stealing the life from the world. Bats swooped in the lengthening shadows and a lone shearwater began his evening chorus out on the headland.
Beyond, and faintly I could hear the slap of sails from the boats in the bay and the muted crash of the foamy surf.
I lifted up my jelly mould. It was the perfect setting.

I've just got one of those Doner cards.
If I buy 4 I get the 5th free, according to the takeaway.

I own a restaurant selling tyre soup
We have a michelin star

I like to stare at the clock at 11:59 and think...
Go on... make my day.

My son was run over by a steamroller, and has been a poster child for the importance of road safety ever since.

"Change is a good thing".
Especially when you're a tramp.

Entertainment news: George Michael to help with HIV Gigs
I know he brought it on himself, but it really couldn't get any worse for Ryan.

My wife left me the other day because of my obsession with playing cards.
I told her I'm dealing with it.

I was bored so i blew up my neighbours herb garden.
I was killing thyme.