I remember when I was diagnosed colourblind, it was completely unexpected, out of the purple.

I lend people money if they agree to be my friend. I'm a bit of a loaner.

Paddy said to Mick, "This 568 mls of Guinness is far better than your 284 mls."
Mick said, "You've got a point der, Paddy."

Lost my job at McDonalds yesterday.
Management seems to have a different definition of seeded bun.

I'm really worried because I've been unable to get hold of my wife for hours.
Soon it'll be daylight and someone is bound to see me struggling with the body.

I helped a small child out just so I could get a better look at his mum.
Thankfully she never realised I wasn't the midwife.

My attempts at cross breeding fruits with vegetables have only made me melon-cauli.

I'm going on a field trip tomorrow...
Me and a few mates are going to a country park to do some magic mushrooms.

What do you call someone whose used to be called Lee?
Formerly.

Jumpers.
They just go over the top.

I was shocked today when I was unable to complete my daily crossword puzzle.
I was lost for words.

I've been trying to find my wife's killer for years now.
But I just can't find anyone who's willing to do it.

I mixed up my anti-perspirant with my anti-depressant last night, and now my arms won't go back down.

I heard a thud in my garden the other day.
He was hunting wabbits.

There was a fire at my Grandad's allotment last night and virtually everything was burnt.
As we walked around today, we saw the chard remains.

My wife is leaving me because I jump to conclusions.
At least I think she is.

I saw a hunter being chased across a field last night by a blonde deer, fair game.

An old man came up to me & said '...L , M, N, Grrr, P, Q...'
I thought 'what a weird-o'

I robbed a greengrocers earlier.
But my efforts were fruitless.

Your Panties Are Red,
You Bra is Blue,
I know this,
Because I'm Stalking you!

A hysterectomy really takes it out of you.

Whats the best way to get the attention of Gold?
" A u "

Talking to my wife earlier about my day..
Me: Ran into my old Irish friend earlier...
Wife: Oh really?
Me: No... O'Riely.

I heard a rustling noise outside my window.
When I opened the curtains my garden was full of cattle.

I saw a horse with a large pointed bone sticking out of its head.
Maybe it's a unique horn.