I woke up this morning with a spring in my step.
My surgeon has an odd sense of humour.

I've just bought 10lb's of lean mince.
It's making me walk funny.

I think I think too much.

I didn't know that Ashanti had a town named after her

I've just seen a blue bottle fly in through my bedroom window.
I think it was WKD.

I was about to perform knee surgery yesterday, but decided that would be showing off.
So I used my hands instead.

Law Of Reverse Dynamics:
.
When A Man Becomes Rich
He Becomes Naughty &
When A Woman Becomes Naughty.
......She Becomes Rich

I was cleaning my house this morning using a latino and a tinned ham.
My house is spic 'n' spam now.

One of the other anchors on my news show turned off my teleprompter live on air...
I didn't know what to say.

I've heard NASA has finally pioneered a probe which can get into Venus without sustaining any damage. Making one for Serena though, that's a whole other ball-game.

My daughter wants to name her Rabbit Flopsy...
I thought to myself, that's an odd name for your vibrator.

I tried oscillating once.
Not a fan.

My boss complains she's always too hot at work. She thinks its because shes too hairy.
Personally I think its hirsute.

I've eventually broken up with my doctors receptionist girlfriend.
I couldn't stand all the name calling.

I remember the time I spiked a British boybands backstage buffet with weed. Hi-five!

I've just got a clock that tells me how many seconds it's been since I was born...
I've had the time of my life with it.

Me and my mates have started leaving bombs next to the tills in corner shops.
We're a 'Counter Terrorist Group'.

My wife died whilst doing the ironing this morning...
But im not going to make any jokes about the decreased

I keep making fabric related jokes around my friend to see if he notices.
He still hasn't cottoned on.

Finally got my Canadian history exam results back.. I got an EH

Today is National Secret Day.
Don't tell anyone.

I gave up my chair for an old lady.
Wish I hadn't traded, the chair was much more comfy to sit on.

I decided to smoke some weed while I was driving.
Its always better to take the highway.

After my wife had beat me for the tenth time playing tiddlywinks, I picked everything up and threw it in her face.
I thought I'd launch a counter-offensive.

I tried stealing yesterday.
It wasn't really for me.