The night before my wedding I had my hair cut into the shape of a deer
It was a stag do.

When I decided to settle down and get married, my future father-in-law urged me to get a trade.
So, I dumped my fiance and went out with her sister.

My wife's new nickname for me is 'The Bank'.
Not because she comes to me whenever she wants some money, but because I've stopped paying her any interest.

I've cancelled the order with our potato and tomato wholesaler.
There was a communication problem, so we called the whole thing off.

Me and my mate spitroasted this bird the other day...
Tastes just like chicken

People are always having a go at black people, but they do have their benefits.
And some are on disability too.

At the last election, I voted BNP by mistake when I really wanted to vote for the Liberal Democrats. I really am useless, I can't tell my left from my right.

Today I got myself a pedo meter. Eager to see if it actually works I waited outside the school gates to choose my girl for this evening. When the deed was done and the body was buried I check my pedo meter to see my rating - something about 7,000 steps?

Heavy metal and Rock.
They're not my favourite music,
They're what I take with me when I go out mugging.

My mate just burst into my room while I was busy working and asked me what the side of someones mouth was called.
The cheek.

BBC News: JLS draw big crowd at Big Weekend
I bet they think they're real artists now.

Puns are bad, but poetry is verse.

I flashed a woman today, she pulled out and thanked me

What do you call an Australian who makes wooden toilets?
Lou Carpenter.

A ceramics firm have asked my permission to have the image of my face on a range of kitchenware.
I think someone's making a mug out of me.

My doctor just sat me down and told me I was paraplegic.
I could really use a pick me up.

I went to the dentist the other day and he told me that I had gaps in my teeth that could be treated by an experimental operation in Arnhem - Holland.
I told him it was a bridge too far.

Air resistance.
What a drag.

I proposed to my fiancee last week, but she rejected. She said ''No, sorry... If you're going to propose to me, you should do it properly and give me a ring!"
So I'm dialling her number now to try it again 'properly'. Wish me luck!

I bought a purple cheese grater from IKEA today.
I didn't even know you could get purple cheese.

Was out last night, this chick kept looking at me
so i went over and said Hi whats your name
she said t t t t t t t Tracy
i said sorry love never been a fan of the 8 Ts

I had to take stock of the book I was writing.
The plot thickened.

My wife told me that she has a fetish for washing machines.
"Great," I said. "The lawnmower and my motorbike could do with a good scrubbing."

How does Dirk Kuyt like his goals
Poached

My mate is playing in an important tennis match tomorrow.
I've wished him many happy returns.