How does Dirk Kuyt like his goals
Poached

My mate is playing in an important tennis match tomorrow.
I've wished him many happy returns.

I went to Uni to learn about being single.
Got a bachelors degree

I love Bank Holidays. This year I'm going to Lloyds TSB for a week.

Taking 'general knowledge' as my chosen subject on Mastermind was a mistake.
I'd only ever heard of Napoleon and Patton.

My doctor introduced me to my wife.
I said "Yeah, I know who she is, she's my wife"

I saw a Facebook group called "The awkward moment when Hitler receives his gas bill".
I wonder when it's jew?

If the UK and Ireland went into heavy double-dip recession, would we have 'a-wrecked-isle dysfunction'?

There's A Fine Line Between Hyphenated Words.

When Carol Vorderman got married she and her husband exchanged vowels.

I bought a farewell card yesterday for 15p!
It was a good buy.

Today, I told my wife "I'm sorry, but I want a divorce."
She said "You're joking, right?"
I replied "I am. I'm not actually sorry about it."

my rally driving instructor was a bit weird. he'd always be shouting ''BRAKE! hard on, hard on, hard on... HARD ON!!''
I thought, 'keep it to yourself mate, i'm trying to concentrate'

"I have a split personality" said Tom being frank.

I've just hired a girl called Penny to be my new accountant.
She may not have the best qualifications, but as we all know, every Penny counts.

I got stopped due to speeding.
Thanks to the tree.

I didn't pay my syntax, and ended up with a poorly constructed prison sentence.

There's an art in farting.

I've just seen an amazing black actor on a hit TV show.
Crimewatch.

What's the difference between my wife and making bread?
I don't knead my wife.

Always take a tin of novelty pasta to wedding receptions.
That way, if you get bored, you can throw a few shapes on the dancefloor.

I take great pleasure in telling rude, obnoxious people exactly where they can get off.
That's why I became a worker for the London Underground.

I've completely lost the plot, jeopardizing my career as a film director.

Just finished writing a book about the history of the tortilla.
That's a wrap.

They've just opened up a Polish shop in town, now I'm no business expert but restricting yourself to selling just Mr. Sheen & Pledge is asking for trouble.