My son recently completed all of his swimming lessons. As a reward I gave him a red wetsuit and pushed him out to sea.
Thats my buoy!

I thought I'd kill some time today.
It took me ages.

The belt
That's
Sorry, that's below the belt

I've just dumped my girlfriend...
They'll never look for her in the woods.

I went to a dog show yesterday.
Those Loose Women are even uglier in person.

I can't remember the last time I got really drunk.

BBC NEWS: Teachers hurt in chemical spill,
That's a bit of an overreaction.

If I had a pound for every time I was late with the dinner...
I'd have black eyes and a broken nose like my wife.

My daughter asked me to greet her friends in the style of a traditional Indian Apache.
But I didn't know how.

Life is a lot like Sickipedia.
When you join you think you're destined for greatness but in the end you just get buried.

My wife and I were having marital difficulties, so we decided to see a counsellor.
He said he couldn't help us, but the potholes in the road would be filled next month.

I asked a couple of mates where I should go in Croatia.
Opinions were Split.

Men are not better than women...
Women are worse than men.

I'm getting sick and tired of all these jokes about missing children.
Lets just face it, they've been done to death.

I just rung my boss and said I can't come into work tomorrow as I've hurt my legs and can't walk.
Lame excuse I know

Self Checkouts - Easy To Steal?
Nope, trust me, those things are bolted to the ground.

I had my mug shot today.
Now how am i supposed to drink my tea?

A cure for agrophobics is just around the corner.

A fisher man has just crashed his boat into an iceberg sailing past Finland.
I bet Helsinki.

I took acid last night.
My chemistry teacher was furious.

I saw a Teletubby on a scooter shouting out, "All that we see or seem is but a dream within a dream".
I think it may have been Edgar Allan Po.

My mate told me he was going to sign up for the library's Debating Club.
But I talked him out of it.

I lost face at work today. It wouldn't be so bad, but I'm a plastic surgeon, and it wasn't my face.

My wife is pretty useless when it comes to darts.
That's why I call her missus.

The fuse went in my wife's hair dryer, so she asked me to fit another.
I refused.