My mate said I'm the best mime artist he's ever seen...
What can I say?

I was in the middle of rearranging the alphabet last night, when my wife walked in and told me I was out of order.

I saw my neighbor earlier who had a brand new dog with her.
"That's a fine looking creature miss, bulldog is it?" I asked.
She said "Yes that's right, you can give him a pet if you want".
So I went and fetched my daughters hamster.

I went to see the doctor for help with my neuroses. He told me to cut the stems about half an inch from the bottom, and put them in a vase.

The man who makes the giant eclairs at our local patisserie is retiring next week.
There'll be some big chouxs to fill when he goes.

The wife left me yesterday right after telling me she'd been getting really down on herself lately
Apparently "How about getting really down on me instead??" is the not the response she was looking for

I no longer work at my local tattoo parlour.
It's because I got a transfer.

My job as a bulldozer gets very depressing, so before I went out to work today I popped some Prozac. I took far too much.
As a result of this, I not only flattened the dilapidated cinemaplex but also the five houses next to it.
I overdozed.

The gear box in my mini broke this morning, so I've decided to get a new clutch.
At least now when I take the car to the garage, I'll look fabulous.

I've been trying to revise from post-it notes all week, but it's just not sticking.

If I don't like the shape of the swastika, does that make me anti-symmetric?

People that use words out of context should just dye.

Whenever I go sailing I always take my inflatable pink and gold sparkly feather boa in case I fall overboard.
it's my flambuoyancy aid.

My grandad is going to court to fight to keep his allotment, he thinks he will win the case , personally i think he's lost the plot.

I employed a new gardener and gave him a list of tasks to do, when I returned he only done tasks 1,3,5 and 7 on the list.
Turns out he's just an odd job man.

I pleaded with the cash-point to return my card after it swallowed it.
But it was like talking to a brick wall.

I was playing Scrabble with my mates, and I had the letters: C, R, T, U, I, N and A.
If I had an S, it was curtains for me.

If anyone else is less observant than me, I haven't noticed.

Religion deifies the laws of physics.

I was going to write a joke about turtles on their backs, but I could't think of one.
They don't just right themselves, you know.

You'll not catch me running in the London marathon.
I'm Kenyan

A man came up to me in the pub and said, "On your marks, get set ... go"
I said, "Are you starting?"

Thcratchcard, thoup, tomatoth, potatoth, thpaghetti, thereal, orange juith, newthpaper.
Right, that's my shopping lisp done, I'm off to Tesco.

I'm thinking of creating a French-Cuban fusion restaurant...
i'm going to call it Chez Guevara

How stupid would you have to be to answer a rhetorical question?