My friend had to have her leg amputated the other day, she was stumped.

I'm got an illness which makes me cheer at random moments.
Whooping cough.

Wow, I don't think I've ever Senegal that good looking in the ceremony.

Bought a new driver from Ping.
Little town outside Beijing. Great Chauffeur, too.

I saw two guys beating a woman up on the bus last night...
It was a double decker

My wedding day was so emotional even the cake was in tiers.

My wife says she's leaving me because of my gambling addiction.
But I'm having too much fun skipping around the field to care.

I was on the Antiques Roadshow the other day getting a valuation for my Babe Ruth statue. To my amazement the expert said it was worth only worth 500 quid. "I thought it would be worth much more," I replied. "Well it's just a ball park figure," he retorted.

So I was puking yesterday, when I thought to myself,
I really shouldn't have chewed that part of the calendar.

What's a pig's tail got in common with 4am?
Twirly

Me and a mate just went into a field to do some cow pushing.
I love feminist camp sites.

My wife came down with the flu yesterday. I wasn't bothered about catching it but more concerned about how she escaped from the loft.

My mate fell over on my boat the other day and was left hanging off the side
He looked like a right plank

I've learnt many things by trial and error.
Most importantly, being a judge just wasn't for me.

Sledgehammers.
They crack me up.

A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter.

I went to see that film "Mean Girls" with my wife.
The actors were average.

I found a great website all about the digestion of food the other day...
Youchewb.

I was having a cup of tea earlier and found there was a witty remark printed on the side of the cup.
I did not find it too amusing. It was a joke for mugs.

After further scientific experimentation in my shed ... problems with blood types, failed skin grafts and general patient discontent has meant ..
Commercial production of a cat of nine tails is unlikely.

I had to break the news to one of the members of my band that we no longer have a role for a homemade musical instrument made from fruit and whipped cream.
It's time for him to stop playing the fool.

A local celebrity was today arrested for walking into an air conditioning shop and destroying several very expensive air conditioning units.
His agent read out this statement:
" I would like to apologise to all the fans"

The absailers in my football team are really annoying, they always get booked for descent.

I got 12 years for killing a man who interupted me... i cant wait to finish my sentence.

People who can't spell should dye.